Divorce Stigma

Yes, I admit it...I was previously married and divorced. Currently, I am married to my second husband who I love dearly. He's a keeper!

Nevertheless, my first marriage ended one-sided. I didn't want to get divorced but unfortunately that doesn't matter to the legal system. If one party wants out...well the law let's them out. The one thing I remember about being separated and subsequently divorced was the great amount of guilt and shame I felt. Even though I tried repeatedly, albeit unsuccessfully, to salvage the marriage. Yet it seemed that I carried all of the guilt.

I never wanted to be a divorced woman. It seemed at the time that if I were divorced that I was a failure. Inevitably, I internalized a lot of my ex-husband's issues as though they were my own. The constant self-evaluations were draining! It seemed during that period that I wore a plaque on my forehead that proclaimed..."DIVORCED!" That all the world knew my story and secretly blamed me. Yes, looking back in hindsight it sounds like paranoia, but my feelings were real. Those very feelings made me afraid and ashamed to tell my family and friends.

It was not until I began developing a friendship with my current husband, further cultivating my relationship with God, as well as, attending regular counseling sessions that I was able to let those feelings go and completely heal. It is my belief that I am not the only person that experienced these types of marauding emotions.

If you experienced these same or similar types of emotions, while in the midst of separation and divorce, please share how you overcame them. Share how you moved onto to being emotionally healthy and mentally whole. Your story could change the life of someone currently struggling.

Outraged By The Blogging Mistress!

On, Tuesday, November 13, 2007, I posted "Cheaper To Keep Her" where I talked about the irony, in my mind, of Michael Jordan's divorce. Yes, I slithered down into the grimy ranks of the paparazzi and tabloids by posting on a celebrity divorce. Yes, I know, I am always pontificating that the dregs of society spend enough time reporting these types of stories. Yet...I posted the story anyway.

Since then, an anonymous commenter provided a link with the address for the following blog: http://mjordanmistress.blogspot.com/. The author of this blog claims to be the mistress of Michael Jordan. U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E! Okay... while that role/status/title may give what some would call "bragging rights", I personally find it despicable. Better yet repulsive!

If you can't tell by my posts, I am 100% PRO marriage. Therefore, I abhor the very concept of infidelity. Which brings me to my current point...why in the HELL would someone write a blog detailing her affair with a married man? I am at a loss for words and yet I feel the urge to rant and rave and stamp my feet like a 2 year old bubbling to the surface of my rationality.

Regardless of how their relationship ended, Juanita Jordan spent years married to Michael Jordan, taking care of their home and raising their children. Who? I ask again Who would sink to lowest levels of humanity and write a blog for all mankind with access to the Internet to see? A blog detailing her tawdry affair? I am floored by the audacity of some people! And how humiliating it must be for public figures to have the intimate details of their relationship exposed.

Initially, when I saw the link I was intrigued. I thought...NO, couldn't possibly be real. After reading a couple of posts, I thought even if it's not real...what's the purpose. This psycho needs to find a rock to crawl under!

If my impassioned speech hasn't offended you...what are your thoughts?

New Woman Blues - A Different Point of View

In my post, New Woman Blues, I discussed the phenomenon of psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives who stalk, threaten, and attempt to abuse the new girlfriend or wife. Having personally experienced this, New Woman Blues, briefly summarized the awful experience.

Recently, Anonymous posted a comment addressing the other side of the equation. The Ex-girlfriend or Ex-wife who is being strung along. The Ex who is being made to believe that reconciliation is possible even inevitable while the man is gallivanting around with this woman and that woman. Here is the comment...

"Most likely the ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is still sleeping with the ex-wife/ex-girlfriend and she is po'd. Many guys string along their ex's...benefits: sex, emotional support (they were to meet some need at some point), financial reasons (ie- she may take me to court), children, etc.I have seen it so many times and been there myself. My ex-husband of 12 years led me on staying with me so he wouldnt prentending to reconcile. In the meantime he was meeting other women and when one came along who was willing to buy him anything, ignore his alcohol problems and jet him off on vactions, he finally left.

I say good riddance but the new gf swears he wasnt with his family (to make herself feel better). The only contact is lawyers, lawyers and more lawyers. I wont stoop to her games (she sends me bikini photos of herself). She hates that he has to pay alimony and child support. You are better off finding someone who isn't tangled up with an ex. Someone who is free and clear to give his whole heart to you. Why would you want someone else's trash anyway? Getting involved with men with such issues leads to question your own self-esteem...Don't play saviour to these men and don't put yourself in the middle if you don't want the drama. Find someone who isn't involved somehow with his ex- that's what I have done!"

Anonymous... you raise an excellent point. In my situation, the EX only came back after I became the new woman. She has even admitted, albeit to others we know so I know this is considered heresay, that she was angry the he moved on so quickly. That is definitely a control issue. You can't break up with someone and then decide when they are allowed to move on. Give me a break! In this situation, I agree wholeheartedly with the comment left by Mr. M.

Yet, there are always two sides to every coin. So today, we shall look at it from your side. Without a doubt, it was wrong for your Ex and others like him to lead you or anyone else for that matter on. Break-ups are beyond difficult and certainly wreak havoc in your life. When the Ex, whether male or female, continues to play on the other's emotions by constantly engaging and disengaging the relationship or making false promises it becomes a toxic situation. The self esteem and self worth of the person holding on to hope diminishes. The relationship disintegrates into something unrecognizable. Ironically, so does the brokenhearted lover.

Inevitably, a decision must be made:

Option 1. Dump this loser - I am worth more than that! or

Option 2. Fight to the bitter end and let the best person win!

I choose Option 1, because even though you don't initially realize it, NO ONE wins when you choose Option 2. I refuse to one day look up and find myself on the wrong side of the Courtroom because I am being charged with stalking, assualt, or battery. I refuse to "win" at the expense of tearing apart the life of someone else - an innocent someone else. I refuse to stoop to that level.

Your thoughts...

Domestic Violence - The Other Side?

After viewing the post dated Thursday, January 24, 2008, titled Hair Salon Discussions - Domestic Violence, Mister-M co-author of "The Psycho Ex-Wife" left a very passionate comment that I thought needed some exposure.

Check out the comment below and let's discuss...


"I think many people, both men and women are grossly misinformed when it comes to domestic violence and how statistics (in either direction) can be skewed. Recent studies, some multinational, overwhelmingly show that in a relationship, women are almost as likely as men to initiate violence. When you factor in that mandatory arrest policies which exist in most states usually means "arrest the man" - we can't really know how often men are arrested for domestic violence when the reality is - they were defending themselves, oftentimes against a woman wielding a weapon.

It doesn't matter - if a woman shows any damage whatsoever - the man is going to jail regardless of the circumstances. Let's continue - throw in the reality that men have historically been told to "man up and deal with it" - are laughed at by authorities when they report DV - are shunned by abuse centers which are supposed to assist equally - the underreporting of woman-on-man domestic violence is a humongous factor as well.

Finally - just look at the press. All a woman has to do is claim "abuse syndrome" - whether there is any evidence of it or not - and get away with murder (most recently the woman who shot her reverend husband IN THE BACK WITH A SHOTGUN - killing him). Women are rarely, if ever, punished equally for committing like similar crimes as men. It's all about the societal perception and the radical feminist mantra that "we live in a patriarchal society" blah, blah, blah... women are always the victim and men are always the oppresser. Not true - but most people don't care to look more deeply into the issues. They take what is spoon-fed them by the media and what the popular, radical feminist agenda is - and that's their reality. No, I am not a woman-hater. What I don't like is how the laws of this land overwhelmingly favor the women of this country - in criminal court, in civil court, and in divorce and family court... and society at-large is suffering significantly as a result.

That is... men, women, children... families. Everyone. The reason we can't often have reasonable discourse about it is that everyone has their inherent biases and it's very hard for people to set them aside for the greater good. It's all about "what's good for me."

Check out http://www.batteredmen.com for a peek at the other side, whether you like it or not."

What do you think?

New Woman Blues

Why is it that women break up or divorce their significant other then flip out when he begins to date again? I have never understood this phenomenom.

Over the years I have been the victim of both pyscho ex-girlfriends and psycho ex-wives. I have received phone threats. I have been stalked. I even had one lunatic show up at my house at 3:00 a.m. banging on my door because she heard that I had been over MY boyfriend's house which just happened to be her ex-husband.

For some bizarre reason narcissistic women seem to think they own the men they break-up with. They don't want to be in a relationship with them, yet they don't want you to be in a relationship with them either. Like the crazy astronaut woman who drove across the country wearing a diaper because her ex was dating someone new. Is this mere jealousy or borderline psychosis?

And if you are the new girlfriend or wife...how do you deal with the craziness? When do you put vaseline on your face, take off your earrings, put on your gymshoes and kick some butt? Like Cincinnati's very own City Councilwoman Laketia Cole. Her boyfriend's psycho ex-girlfriend showed up unexpectantly while Ms. Cole and her boyfriend were spending quality time together. Needless to say Laketia gave the psycho ex-girlfriend the smackdown!

My advice to the psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives of the world:

1. Let go psychos!
2. Move on! He has.
3. Seek a trained professional for counseling - You ARE crazy!
4. There is medication for everything - find yours and use it!

The Psycho Ex-Wife

Previously, I posted about bad behavior following a breakup or divorce. A couple weeks later I "Mister M" posted here and provided a link to his sometimes comical, sometimes sad, very informative blog... "The Psycho Ex-Wife"

Check it out and let me know your thoughts. I have truly enjoyed it!

P.S. Pay special attention to the "Cast of Characters". My mother and I were reading and nodding our heads together in agreement. If nothing else, you may recognize someone you know...I know I did!

New Year's Resolution

It's that time of year again...resolution time. Oftentimes people make resolutions to lose weight or get out of debt or start a new business. All of which are great, but are external.

This year focus on the internal you...

• Determine to achieve emotional healing from a break-up or divorce.
• Re-establish who you are in your new single role.
• Make a commitment to re-build family relationships. It is therapeutic!
• Commit to replace negative feelings (bitterness, anger, strife) with positive feelings (peace, hope, love).
• Terminate toxic relationships. You know the kind that evoke pain at contact or leave you feeling empty and drained.
• If all else fails, don't be embarrassed to seek counseling. It works!

Sometimes resolutions are difficult to keep. Make sure they are S-M-A-R-T:

1. Specific - be very clear about what you hope to achieve.
2. Measurable - identify ways to measure your progress.
3. Achievable - don't try to boil the ocean. Even if your resolution is lofty, break it down into smaller, easily attainable chunks.
4. Relevant - setting resolutions for the sake of setting them is a waste of time. Commit to a resolution that is meaningful to you and makes you a better person.
5. Time-bound - don't commit to resolutions that will take you five years to achieve. It should be achievable in its totality during 2008.

Involve your close friends and/or relatives by sharing your resolution and asking them to hold you accountable. Make 2008 your year of emotional success!

A Different Type of End

While you may have experienced either an unexpected or expected break-up or divorce this year, don't allow the event to overshadow your entire year. As 2007 comes to an end, take the time to reflect on both the good and the bad. How can you repeat the good in 2008? How can you avoid the bad in 2008? Even more importantly, what lessons can you learn from the bad? Sometimes the best lessons ever learned come from what we perceive to be the worst experiences.

You have two days to think and reflect in preparation for making your 2008 New Year's resolutions. Make them wisely!

Holiday Cheer?

They say the holidays are a difficult time of year for those experiencing a recent break-up or divorce. Especially if children are involved, which now requires splitting the holiday - Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or possibly not seeing the child until after the holiday. Even if you don't have children, not seeing your Exes family members that you may have grown close to over the years is tough. The holidays may even feel lonely or depressing.

This year, shake holiday blues by basking in the true joy of the holiday season. Remember that we celebrate Christmas because of the birth of Christ, God's ultimate gift to mankind - humankind, for the feminists. Take time to remember blessings you may have received during the last year. We often overlook good health - mental and physical. The support of family is yet another blessing. Simple things like food, clothing, and shelter are often taken for granted, yet are wonderful blessings - ask the homeless guy that sleeps under the downtown bridge. Remember a special birthday celebration or outing with your children. Don't forget the macaroni necklace your 4 year-old made in daycare for Mother or Father's day that brought tears to your eyes.

If you find your emotional state to be more than you can handle, seek counseling. Your health insurance company, neighborhood church, friends and family members will be able to provide you with a referral.

Very Bad Behavior

Break-ups, especially divorces are hell! They often bring out the worst in people - I believe that most would agree that during this time in their lives they probably said the most unbelievably hateful things. They may have even participated in embarrassingly bad behavior. Whenever I talk with people who "reminisce" about the bad behavior they displayed, many fail to take responsibility for the behavior and are quick to place blame on their EX. I'm sure the same is true of the EX whose temper tantrum was the source of negative impact.

I once knew of someone who had their credit cards stolen by an EX in retaliation. One EX stalked the new significant other. Another started calling their Exe's family members and spreading lies. Even better, another believed their phone was tapped. And, perhaps the scariest one of all was the Ex-husband who forced his way into his Ex-wife's home and stole her personal belongings. Although, I am torn between that one and the Ex-wife who set her Ex-husband's office on fire.

Why do Exes do these kinds of things? When does the revelation hit that there is life after a break-up or divorce?

Why do we participate in such bad behavior?

Is Marriage A Fairytale?

Amidst the newspapers spouting off about the increased divorce rate. The tabloids highlighting the most scandalous celebrity divorces. Not to mention the daytime soap operas and prime time dramas that consistently glamorize adulterous relationships, estranged spouses, and abusive husbands and wives. Have you begun to wonder...Is marriage a fairytale?

Does the fear of failure shroud our relationships? Is society creating as self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to marriage? Do we have any positive images of male/female dating and marriage?

I believe in the power of the bond between a husband and wife. It is a prized and coveted intertwining of lives. It is NOT an anomaly in this nebulous entanglement of relationships that we are party to. Yes, there are bad relationships, just like there are bad restaurants. People are human and sometimes make poor choices and decisions ranging from their selection from the dating pool to how to handle relationship conflict. But can these mistakes be rectified? Absolutely! Divorce is NOT the only answer!

The advice that I would give to couples contemplating marriage as well as those that are newly married would be...

1. Love your significant other like you love yourself. Never treat him in a manner that you yourself would not want to be treated.

2. Commit to the relationship. There are days that you may not like her or even feel like you don't love her. On those days allow the power of your commitment to save your relationship.

3. Never get married and expect him to change. The way he is today is the way he will always be. If you don't like him and you are just dating, why marry him? And if you did marry him, GET OVER IT! You are not perfect either.

What advice would you give?

Anti-adultery Laws

Historically, adultery has been subject to severe sanctions, including the death penalty, and has been grounds for divorce under fault-based divorce laws. However, in many countries including the United States, many of these laws have been removed from the books or are not enforced. Interestingly enough, I discovered today through inadvertence, that South Korea still maintains and enforces an anti-adultery law, with those convicted facing prison sentences of up to two years.

Despite decades of Western influence, this 50 year old law continues to be up-held by the South Korean Constitutional Court under the grounds of necessity. However, the number of adultery cases filed declined to 8,720 in 2005 from 12,762 in 2000, according to prosecutors' records. Not to mention, more than 80 percent of adultery cases filed from 2000-2005 were dropped without resulting in any formal charges because of the complaint being withdrawn or lack of evidence, according to prosecutors.

"Evidence" means actual proof of adultery as in photographs of sexual intercourse. It does not include photographs of other activities being construed to mean an adulterous relationship. (Click here for additional ramblings on this topic.)

Question for the day...

If adultery laws were enforced would adultery be considered less socially acceptable and thereby decrease the divorce rate? (Comments encouraged.)

Alcohol Therapy

Have you ever wondered how many tabs in the bar result from a break-up? Or how many therapy sessions resulted from break-up bar tabs?

Can't you see a table of single women sitting at the bar...

"Jodie...he was such a loser! You are sooo better off without him!"
"I'll drink to that!"

OR

"Juanita (Jordan that is) you made history with your divorce settlement! $168 million is a boat load of money!"
"I'll drink to that!"

OR

"What am I going to do? I am miserable without him"
"Don't worry girl, things can only get better. You need a drink."

OR

"The guy at table 5 thought you could use a little cheering up. He's buying the next round."

Regardless of your situation...the "Bitter Ex-Girlfriend in Recovery" t-shirt expresses the sentiment perfectly!

To see other "Bitter Ex-Girlfriend in Recovery" products or to order click here:
http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly.182174173#

Bathing Decadance

Having been an EX, three things that effectively cheered me up were:

1. Decadent foods especially desserts - There is absolutely nothing better than drowning your sorrows in a deliciously well prepared meal at your favorite restaurant and topping the meal off with something warm, moist, gooey, and chocolate. I'm salivating just thinking about it.

2. Shopping - I always felt sassy and in-charge after a shopping excursion. There are many things in life that happen outside of my control except one...I always have the ability to look fabulous! Whether new clothes, new shoes, new purse - I made the decisions. I ran the show!

3. Pampering - Just thinking about pampering makes me stretch and purr. A massage...pedicure...facial...I'm about to melt.

When I accidentally stumbled upon Cremoso, I was ecstatic! Why? They sell bath and body products that look like decadent chocolate desserts! Check out the pictures above. Believe it or not, both are actual bath and body products.

Chase away the break-up blues....bathe in chocolate.

Cheaper To Keep Her

What name is synonymous with five NBA MVP awards, ten All-NBA First Team designations, nine All-Defensive First Team honors, fourteen NBA All-Star Game appearances and three All-Star MVPs, ten scoring titles, three steals titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, and the 1988 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award?

What man holds the NBA record for highest career regular season scoring average with 30.1 points per game, as well as averaging a record 33.4 points per game in the playoffs, earning himself the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness"?

What NBA player won his first NBA championship in 1991 with the Bulls, and followed that achievement with titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat", pursued a career in baseball in 1993, and rejoined the Bulls in 1995 and led them to three additional championships (1996, 1997, and 1998)?

What retired athlete has now made history with one of the 10 nastiest divorces?

MICHAEL JORDAN

Basketball legend Michael Jordan had to pay up when he divorced ex-wife Juanita Jordan to the tune of $168 million, and the estranged couple's six-acre estate in Chicago in the expected settlement.

Divorce is an ugly seven letter word.

What do you think Michael is thinking now?

Career Blogging?

Blogger $34,000
Journalist $24,000
Reporter $36,000

View'>http://www.indeed.com/salary?cat=professional+blogger&q1=Blogger&l1=&q2=Journalist&l2=&q3=Reporter&l3=&tm=1">View Larger Salary Graph

Achieving financial independence is often a challenge for either one or both parties after a break-up. Especially for married couples or non-married cohabitating couples. The combination of two incomes enables many couples to achieve a lifestyle that otherwise would be impossible to achieve alone. Yikes! The very thought of trying to compensate for the lost income is often overwhelming. How do I make ends meet? What happens if I have an emergency? No, I don't have an emergency fund! Hell, what is an emergency fund?

If you find yourself faced with this challenge you may be in luck. Especially if you own a computer, have access to the Internet, and have the ability to communicate effectively via writing. Why not blog for cash? Make extra income by writing about the things you are passionate about. Check out the salary graph above.

By the way, if you didn’t know, a blog is a web site, where you write about whatever you are passionate about on an ongoing basis. Just like "My Thoughts Exactly." The topic can be personal or professional, but it’s completely up to you. Check out http://www.blogger.com/ or http://www.wordpress.com/ for more information.

Beautiful or Bitter?

Here is the question for today... You and your Ex have recently ended your relationship. Are you Beautiful or are you Bitter?

Say exactly how you feel with a bumper sticker from My Thoughts Exactly! Check out additional Bitter Ex Bumper Stickers at: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly.184121582

Be prepared to be shocked! Don't be afraid to shock others!

Bitter Ex Victim

The gift that just keeps on giving. Or the EX that just keeps on stalking! Sometimes no matter how hard you try...you just can't get rid of them. Male or female, it doesn't matter, relax in these comfy boxer shorts.

What do you do? Put the world on notice!

Check out additional Bitter Ex Victim items at: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3956763

Bitter Ex-Wife In Recovery

You were married, now you are single... Have a drink! Celebrate and have another drink! Recover and begin again!

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Bitter Ex-Wife By Choice

Ex-Wife does not equal the end of life. Be Strong, Be Sexy, Be Bitter...it's your choice! Flaunt your stuff and your diva status in this very sexy tank and thongs. See more at: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3920925