Sex And The City

To all of the Sex & the City fans out there, I send a big... hooray!

I absolutely loved the show and eagerly anticipate the release of the movie. However, I was always left pondering the same thought after every episode. "Do men marry women who have sex on the first date?"

Perhaps I am a little old fashioned, but my parents taught me, "Don't give it up so easy! Why would you pay for the cow if you could have the milk for free?" Over the years, through dating, marriage, divorce, dating and marriage again I have always been conscientious of this lesson. It has become very important for me to spend time getting to know the person without the entanglements created by a sexual relationship. Many times, I was quickly able to determine if I really saw potential in a relationship or not - sex never clouded the issue.

Don't be mistaken, I am not saying that I did not want to have sex. However, I was afraid of putting the cart before the horse - knowing how quickly feelings can escalate with the introduction of sex into the relationship. (What's with the animal analogies today?) A couple of guys quickly come to mind from college that in hindsight I realize I was in "sex with them" not love. The difference, at that time, was unrecognizable.

Sex is very powerful and has the ability to create falsehoods. Women have a horrible tendency of "falling in love" with a man solely based on a sexual relationship with no knowledge of his favorite color, mother's name, highest educational level obtained, interest or hobbies. We bond through sex. Yet...who is this person other than the provider of pleasures of the flesh? Similarly men initially engage in sexual relationships for pleasure. However, there is typically no immediate development of emotional attachments. Eventually, if they genuinely like the female men will begin to develop feelings - explaining why it is easier for men to engage in one-night-stands. This doesn't make men wrong...just different. Women get used to it!

So with that said, do men really respect a woman who has sex on the first date? Do they ever enter into committed relationships with these women? Or do they reserve those second level feelings for the woman who is willing to wait?

Dating at 40...Mis-Matched Expectations?

Recently after talking to a girlfriend of mine, I began to ponder the challenges in today's dating scene. Is it harder for 40 somethings to re-enter singlehood and date again?

As we talked I was amazed by the challenges she faced as a single woman. In particular, I began to wonder, "Are 40 something men looking for the same things in a relationship as 40 something women? Or... are budding relationships being strangled by mis-matched expectations?"

My girlfriend, who I'll call Chloe is a professional, divorced mother of two teenage boys. She has a very eclectic and artsy personality. She is well read, a dedicated runner, and cute. She never has difficulties meeting men, however, meeting the "right" man seems to be the problem.

Recently she was dating David, who seemed to have great potential. He was a great conversationalist, well read, extremely handsome and had a great job. One night, he invited her over to his apartment where Chloe discovered he had no furniture - nothing but a bed and television. "What 40 something man has no furniture, she asked?" After giving him the benefit of the doubt she was pleasantly surprised to be invited on a weekend getaway with a group of David's friends. That is until he explained that due to his lack of funds they would be carpooling with another couple AND rooming with a group of his friends that she had never met. Unless, of course, she wanted to pay for the hotel stay. "His funds were low."

Finally after several more conversations with David, Chloe decided that it was time to terminate the relationship and move on. While David had a successful career, he was an irresponsible spendthrift with bad credit looking for someone to help him get established. At 40 something? Typical or bizarre?

Before David, there was Keith. Keith was another professional 40 something that Chloe had agreed to go out with on a blind date. Prior to going to dinner, the two enjoyed numerous engaging phone conversations. Chloe eagerly anticipated their first date.

They met at and Italian restaurant. Chloe immediately extended her hand in greeting. Keith reached for a hug. Chloe explained that she was not comfortable hugging immediately and Keith seemed a little offended. Throughout dinner, Keith attempted several times to either hug or kiss Chloe who was becoming increasingly uncomfortable - after all it was their first date. Keith on the other hand was becoming increasingly agitated. The date goes downhill from here.

Keith began making rude comments and Chloe became defensive. By the end of the night, in Chloe's mind, Keith was a controlling maniac and escape was imperative. After paying her portion of the check AND giving Keith a piece of her mind Chloe fled the restaurant and Keith began chasing her! How did a potentially great date go so incredibly wrong?

Are men and woman really looking for something so distinctly different at 40? I always believed that most men and woman after exiting their 20's are looking for stability. You know...loving relationships, starting families, settling down. Is this an erroneous assumption?

While Chloe is not looking to get married tomorrow, there is the hope that eventually she will marry again. Now in her 40's the thought of entering into a relationship with a man who is financially unable to care for himself is undesirable. In addition, being in a relationship with someone who becomes critical when unable to have his way or assert his authority is a bit frightening.

Is this typical of 40 something dating?

Is Marriage A Fairytale?

Amidst the newspapers spouting off about the increased divorce rate. The tabloids highlighting the most scandalous celebrity divorces. Not to mention the daytime soap operas and prime time dramas that consistently glamorize adulterous relationships, estranged spouses, and abusive husbands and wives. Have you begun to wonder...Is marriage a fairytale?

Does the fear of failure shroud our relationships? Is society creating as self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to marriage? Do we have any positive images of male/female dating and marriage?

I believe in the power of the bond between a husband and wife. It is a prized and coveted intertwining of lives. It is NOT an anomaly in this nebulous entanglement of relationships that we are party to. Yes, there are bad relationships, just like there are bad restaurants. People are human and sometimes make poor choices and decisions ranging from their selection from the dating pool to how to handle relationship conflict. But can these mistakes be rectified? Absolutely! Divorce is NOT the only answer!

The advice that I would give to couples contemplating marriage as well as those that are newly married would be...

1. Love your significant other like you love yourself. Never treat him in a manner that you yourself would not want to be treated.

2. Commit to the relationship. There are days that you may not like her or even feel like you don't love her. On those days allow the power of your commitment to save your relationship.

3. Never get married and expect him to change. The way he is today is the way he will always be. If you don't like him and you are just dating, why marry him? And if you did marry him, GET OVER IT! You are not perfect either.

What advice would you give?