To all of the Sex & the City fans out there, I send a big... hooray!
I absolutely loved the show and eagerly anticipate the release of the movie. However, I was always left pondering the same thought after every episode. "Do men marry women who have sex on the first date?"
Perhaps I am a little old fashioned, but my parents taught me, "Don't give it up so easy! Why would you pay for the cow if you could have the milk for free?" Over the years, through dating, marriage, divorce, dating and marriage again I have always been conscientious of this lesson. It has become very important for me to spend time getting to know the person without the entanglements created by a sexual relationship. Many times, I was quickly able to determine if I really saw potential in a relationship or not - sex never clouded the issue.
Don't be mistaken, I am not saying that I did not want to have sex. However, I was afraid of putting the cart before the horse - knowing how quickly feelings can escalate with the introduction of sex into the relationship. (What's with the animal analogies today?) A couple of guys quickly come to mind from college that in hindsight I realize I was in "sex with them" not love. The difference, at that time, was unrecognizable.
Sex is very powerful and has the ability to create falsehoods. Women have a horrible tendency of "falling in love" with a man solely based on a sexual relationship with no knowledge of his favorite color, mother's name, highest educational level obtained, interest or hobbies. We bond through sex. Yet...who is this person other than the provider of pleasures of the flesh? Similarly men initially engage in sexual relationships for pleasure. However, there is typically no immediate development of emotional attachments. Eventually, if they genuinely like the female men will begin to develop feelings - explaining why it is easier for men to engage in one-night-stands. This doesn't make men wrong...just different. Women get used to it!
So with that said, do men really respect a woman who has sex on the first date? Do they ever enter into committed relationships with these women? Or do they reserve those second level feelings for the woman who is willing to wait?
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
New Woman Blues
Why is it that women break up or divorce their significant other then flip out when he begins to date again? I have never understood this phenomenom.
Over the years I have been the victim of both pyscho ex-girlfriends and psycho ex-wives. I have received phone threats. I have been stalked. I even had one lunatic show up at my house at 3:00 a.m. banging on my door because she heard that I had been over MY boyfriend's house which just happened to be her ex-husband.
For some bizarre reason narcissistic women seem to think they own the men they break-up with. They don't want to be in a relationship with them, yet they don't want you to be in a relationship with them either. Like the crazy astronaut woman who drove across the country wearing a diaper because her ex was dating someone new. Is this mere jealousy or borderline psychosis?
And if you are the new girlfriend or wife...how do you deal with the craziness? When do you put vaseline on your face, take off your earrings, put on your gymshoes and kick some butt? Like Cincinnati's very own City Councilwoman Laketia Cole. Her boyfriend's psycho ex-girlfriend showed up unexpectantly while Ms. Cole and her boyfriend were spending quality time together. Needless to say Laketia gave the psycho ex-girlfriend the smackdown!
My advice to the psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives of the world:
1. Let go psychos!
2. Move on! He has.
3. Seek a trained professional for counseling - You ARE crazy!
4. There is medication for everything - find yours and use it!
Over the years I have been the victim of both pyscho ex-girlfriends and psycho ex-wives. I have received phone threats. I have been stalked. I even had one lunatic show up at my house at 3:00 a.m. banging on my door because she heard that I had been over MY boyfriend's house which just happened to be her ex-husband.
For some bizarre reason narcissistic women seem to think they own the men they break-up with. They don't want to be in a relationship with them, yet they don't want you to be in a relationship with them either. Like the crazy astronaut woman who drove across the country wearing a diaper because her ex was dating someone new. Is this mere jealousy or borderline psychosis?
And if you are the new girlfriend or wife...how do you deal with the craziness? When do you put vaseline on your face, take off your earrings, put on your gymshoes and kick some butt? Like Cincinnati's very own City Councilwoman Laketia Cole. Her boyfriend's psycho ex-girlfriend showed up unexpectantly while Ms. Cole and her boyfriend were spending quality time together. Needless to say Laketia gave the psycho ex-girlfriend the smackdown!
My advice to the psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives of the world:
1. Let go psychos!
2. Move on! He has.
3. Seek a trained professional for counseling - You ARE crazy!
4. There is medication for everything - find yours and use it!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Hair Salon Discussions - Domestic Violence
While sitting in the hair salon, we had a great debate over the treatment of men and woman in the court system when domestic violence is involved. While all agreed that domestic violence is wrong, there was a distinct underlying bias toward women.
Argument A: One woman, in a nutshell, argued that they didn't care one way or the other if men received harsher penalties than a woman for the same offense. The justification was based on the fact that the likelihood of a man causing significant harm to a woman is far greater than a woman causing lasting harm to a man. Additionally, the sheer numbers of men abusers versus women abusers speak for themselves. Men are far more likely to abuse a woman than the other way around. Harsher penalties for men should send a message.
Argument B: One woman argued, does it really matter who can cause the most damage? What matters is that a person, whether male or female has the right to expect that when in the presence of another individual to feel safe. Safety includes without the threat of being abused and if abused that the legal system would be just and swiftly punish the abuser. The numbers don't matter. If we excuse bad behavior, because it's a woman, what are we teaching our children? What example is society setting?
Argument C: Finally, a third woman argued the motto, "If you do something harmful to me...shame on you. If you do something harmful to me again...shame on me." Basically, people are crazy these days and you cannot expect the legal system to protect you. Your number one defense is you. If you - whether male or female find yourself in a domestic violence situation for the first time, you are a victim. After that initial situation, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. If that means never coming in contact with the abuser again, then that's just what you have to do. Thus protecting yourself from being abused again. If you repeatedly find yourself in an abusive situation, then you are the problem.
What do you think?
Argument A: One woman, in a nutshell, argued that they didn't care one way or the other if men received harsher penalties than a woman for the same offense. The justification was based on the fact that the likelihood of a man causing significant harm to a woman is far greater than a woman causing lasting harm to a man. Additionally, the sheer numbers of men abusers versus women abusers speak for themselves. Men are far more likely to abuse a woman than the other way around. Harsher penalties for men should send a message.
Argument B: One woman argued, does it really matter who can cause the most damage? What matters is that a person, whether male or female has the right to expect that when in the presence of another individual to feel safe. Safety includes without the threat of being abused and if abused that the legal system would be just and swiftly punish the abuser. The numbers don't matter. If we excuse bad behavior, because it's a woman, what are we teaching our children? What example is society setting?
Argument C: Finally, a third woman argued the motto, "If you do something harmful to me...shame on you. If you do something harmful to me again...shame on me." Basically, people are crazy these days and you cannot expect the legal system to protect you. Your number one defense is you. If you - whether male or female find yourself in a domestic violence situation for the first time, you are a victim. After that initial situation, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. If that means never coming in contact with the abuser again, then that's just what you have to do. Thus protecting yourself from being abused again. If you repeatedly find yourself in an abusive situation, then you are the problem.
What do you think?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Hillary Clinton Talks About Adultery
TYRA GETS HILLARY TO TALK ABOUT BILL'S CHEATING: Sen. Clinton gets real personal during taping of Banks' talk show.
During a taping of the "Tyra Banks Show" Monday, Hillary Clinton spoke candidly and at length about the pain she endured when her husband, former president Bill Clinton, had his White House fling with former staffer Monica Lewinsky.
“I really had to dig down deep and think hard about what was right for me, what was right for my family,” the Democratic presidential hopeful told Banks in an appearance set to air Friday.
In explaining her decision to stay in the marriage, she told Tyra: “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever, and I never doubted my faith and my commitment to our daughter and our extended family.”
Her initial reaction to his infidelity, however, was not as diplomatic. In fact, she admitted to dealing with a range of emotions – from anger to embarrassment.
“The momentary feelings — you know, you are mad, you are really upset, you are disappointed — all of that goes through your mind …” Clinton said. “I have found you really shouldn’t make decisions in the heat of those moments.”
After surviving such a high-profile affair, Banks noted, women must come up and say, "My husband is stepping out on me," and ask, "What is Clinton’s advice?"
"I say you have to be true to yourself," Clinton said. "No one story is the same as any other story. I don’t know your reality. I can’t possibly substitute my judgment for yours. … You have to do what is right for you and that may not be what anybody else believes."
After reading this interview on EURWeb, I gained a new respect for Hillary Clinton. During the highly publicized and scandalous affair between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewisnsky, I erroneously concluded that Hillary only wanted Bill for his position, power, and money. She appeared to be nonchalant even removed from the entire situation. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with that woman! Her husband publicly humiliated her and she does nothing but stand beside him and smile!"
This interview allowed me to see Hillary Clinton as human. A real woman and wife who was crapped on and lived to tell about it. Even still a committed woman who made the decision to fight for her marriage. It made me stop and think...
How often does this happen? One spouse enters into an adulterous relationship, however, due to a variety of circumstances (position, children, etc.) the innocent party cannot outwardly display their emotions? The innocent spouse grins outwardly, yet suffers inwardly. Hhmm...
During a taping of the "Tyra Banks Show" Monday, Hillary Clinton spoke candidly and at length about the pain she endured when her husband, former president Bill Clinton, had his White House fling with former staffer Monica Lewinsky.
“I really had to dig down deep and think hard about what was right for me, what was right for my family,” the Democratic presidential hopeful told Banks in an appearance set to air Friday.
In explaining her decision to stay in the marriage, she told Tyra: “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever, and I never doubted my faith and my commitment to our daughter and our extended family.”
Her initial reaction to his infidelity, however, was not as diplomatic. In fact, she admitted to dealing with a range of emotions – from anger to embarrassment.
“The momentary feelings — you know, you are mad, you are really upset, you are disappointed — all of that goes through your mind …” Clinton said. “I have found you really shouldn’t make decisions in the heat of those moments.”
After surviving such a high-profile affair, Banks noted, women must come up and say, "My husband is stepping out on me," and ask, "What is Clinton’s advice?"
"I say you have to be true to yourself," Clinton said. "No one story is the same as any other story. I don’t know your reality. I can’t possibly substitute my judgment for yours. … You have to do what is right for you and that may not be what anybody else believes."
After reading this interview on EURWeb, I gained a new respect for Hillary Clinton. During the highly publicized and scandalous affair between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewisnsky, I erroneously concluded that Hillary only wanted Bill for his position, power, and money. She appeared to be nonchalant even removed from the entire situation. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with that woman! Her husband publicly humiliated her and she does nothing but stand beside him and smile!"
This interview allowed me to see Hillary Clinton as human. A real woman and wife who was crapped on and lived to tell about it. Even still a committed woman who made the decision to fight for her marriage. It made me stop and think...
How often does this happen? One spouse enters into an adulterous relationship, however, due to a variety of circumstances (position, children, etc.) the innocent party cannot outwardly display their emotions? The innocent spouse grins outwardly, yet suffers inwardly. Hhmm...
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Bridesmaid Mania - What's The Point? Part 2
Well I said this blog would contain random musings about relationships, break-ups, divorce, etc., so here's a random musing...
In Part 1 of this post, I disclosed that I had previously been a bridesmaid in 8 weddings, 6 of which ended in divorce. That's about a 75% divorce rate...Sheesh! That 's simply awful, but the topic for another post.
I remember, being admonished that the role of the bridal party is to stand as witnesses before God to the covenant relationship. I was also instructed that if either of the parties (bride/groom) were found violating their covenant relationship (the marriage) that I had the right to tell them they were wrong and remind them of the vows they had taken before God and man alike. Well, I held up my end of the bargain...yet they still divorced.
Let's take a trip down memory lane...
Here's how the whole bridesmaids role began (per Wikipedia):
A bridesmaid is a girl or young woman who attends to the bride during or after a wedding or marriage ceremony. Traditionally, bridesmaids were chosen from unwed young women of marriageable age. The principal bridesmaid is called the maid of honor (or matron of honor if she is married). A bridesmaid is often a close friend or sister. Often there is more than one bridesmaid: in modern times the bride chooses how many to have. Historically, no person of status went out unattended, and the size of the retinue was closely calculated to be appropriate to the status of the personage. (Okay, we knew that!)
In early Roman times, bridesmaids formed a kind of bridal infantry as they accompanied the bride to the groom's village. This "protective shield" of similarly outfitted bridesmaids was supposed to intervene if any wayward thugs or vengeful suitors tried to hurt the bride or steal her dowry. (Thank goodness for the police...unless of course you are Rodney King.)
However, the Western bridesmaid tradition seems to have originated from later Roman law, which required ten witnesses at a wedding in order to outsmart evil spirits believed to attend marriage ceremonies. The bridesmaids and ushers dressed in identical clothing to the bride and groom, so that the evil spirits would not know who was getting married. Even as late as 19th century England, there was a belief that ill-wishers could administer curses and taint the wedding. (What about the evil people who seek after and enjoy relationships with married men and women? How do we ward them off?)
Why did you become a bridesmaid? Even better, would you do it again?
In Part 1 of this post, I disclosed that I had previously been a bridesmaid in 8 weddings, 6 of which ended in divorce. That's about a 75% divorce rate...Sheesh! That 's simply awful, but the topic for another post.
I remember, being admonished that the role of the bridal party is to stand as witnesses before God to the covenant relationship. I was also instructed that if either of the parties (bride/groom) were found violating their covenant relationship (the marriage) that I had the right to tell them they were wrong and remind them of the vows they had taken before God and man alike. Well, I held up my end of the bargain...yet they still divorced.
Let's take a trip down memory lane...
Here's how the whole bridesmaids role began (per Wikipedia):
A bridesmaid is a girl or young woman who attends to the bride during or after a wedding or marriage ceremony. Traditionally, bridesmaids were chosen from unwed young women of marriageable age. The principal bridesmaid is called the maid of honor (or matron of honor if she is married). A bridesmaid is often a close friend or sister. Often there is more than one bridesmaid: in modern times the bride chooses how many to have. Historically, no person of status went out unattended, and the size of the retinue was closely calculated to be appropriate to the status of the personage. (Okay, we knew that!)
In early Roman times, bridesmaids formed a kind of bridal infantry as they accompanied the bride to the groom's village. This "protective shield" of similarly outfitted bridesmaids was supposed to intervene if any wayward thugs or vengeful suitors tried to hurt the bride or steal her dowry. (Thank goodness for the police...unless of course you are Rodney King.)
However, the Western bridesmaid tradition seems to have originated from later Roman law, which required ten witnesses at a wedding in order to outsmart evil spirits believed to attend marriage ceremonies. The bridesmaids and ushers dressed in identical clothing to the bride and groom, so that the evil spirits would not know who was getting married. Even as late as 19th century England, there was a belief that ill-wishers could administer curses and taint the wedding. (What about the evil people who seek after and enjoy relationships with married men and women? How do we ward them off?)
Why did you become a bridesmaid? Even better, would you do it again?
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Wedding Proposals - Is the Hoopla Worth It?
I recently read "Celebrity Wedding Proposal Stories" an article on 7Online.com. Being the woman that I am, I began to ooh and aah over each story, even becoming misty eyed at times. However, as the sentimental feelings began to fade and I drifted back towards reality I thought... "Is the hoopla of outrageous wedding proposals really worth it?"
- Singer Seal had an igloo custom made for his bride to be supermodel Heidi Klum.
- The Apprentice winner Bill Rancic proposed to E! News anchor Giuliana DePandi on a helicopter ride over Chicago while eating her favorite pizza and drinking a bottle of champagne.
- Actor Tom Cruise took actress Katie Holmes to one of the most romantic cities in the world -- Paris. Cruise asked for Holmes' hand in marriage at the Eiffel Tower.
Yes, I am a very romantic girl and love sappy professions of love like any other hot blooded female. But I must pose the question..."Is more time and effort spent on the proposal than on the marriage?" Hollywood relationships are notorious for ending faster than they began and typically the engagement endures longer than the marriage itself.
This year I would admonish anyone thinking about proposing marriage to make sure the institution of marriage is for them. To consider the level of sacrifice required to make a marriage work AND to commit to it. And finally, to know without a doubt that the love being professed is truly for their significant other as they are NOT for what he or she can provide or has the potential to become.
Because, when the ink on the divorce decree dries, no one remembers the Central Park serenades, the mountain top proposals, or the custom made igloos, except the tabloids.
To read the article in its entirety and live vicariously through the rich and famous, check out Celebrity Wedding Proposal Stories.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
New Year's Resolution
It's that time of year again...resolution time. Oftentimes people make resolutions to lose weight or get out of debt or start a new business. All of which are great, but are external.
This year focus on the internal you...
This year focus on the internal you...
- Determine to achieve emotional healing from a break-up or divorce.
- Re-establish who you are in your new single role.
- Make a commitment to re-build family relationships. It is therapeutic!
- Commit to replace negative feelings (bitterness, anger, strife) with positive feelings (peace, hope, love).
- Terminate toxic relationships. You know the kind that evoke pain at contact or leave you feeling empty and drained.
- If all else fails, don't be embarrassed to seek counseling. It works!
- Specific - be very clear about what you hope to achieve.
- Measurable - identify ways to measure your progress.
- Achievable - don't try to boil the ocean. Even if your resolution is lofty, break it down into smaller, easily attainable chunks.
- Relevant - setting resolutions for the sake of setting them is a waste of time. Commit to a resolution that is meaningful to you and makes you a better person.
- Time-bound - don't commit to resolutions that will take you five years to achieve. It should be achievable in its totality during 2008.
Involve your close friends and/or relatives by sharing your resolution and asking them to hold you accountable. Make 2008 your year of emotional success!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Is Marriage A Fairytale?
Amidst the newspapers spouting off about the increased divorce rate. The tabloids highlighting the most scandalous celebrity divorces. Not to mention the daytime soap operas and prime time dramas that consistently glamorize adulterous relationships, estranged spouses, and abusive husbands and wives. Have you begun to wonder...Is marriage a fairytale?
Does the fear of failure shroud our relationships? Is society creating as self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to marriage? Do we have any positive images of male/female dating and marriage?
I believe in the power of the bond between a husband and wife. It is a prized and coveted intertwining of lives. It is NOT an anomaly in this nebulous entanglement of relationships that we are party to. Yes, there are bad relationships, just like there are bad restaurants. People are human and sometimes make poor choices and decisions ranging from their selection from the dating pool to how to handle relationship conflict. But can these mistakes be rectified? Absolutely! Divorce is NOT the only answer!
The advice that I would give to couples contemplating marriage as well as those that are newly married would be...
1. Love your significant other like you love yourself. Never treat him in a manner that you yourself would not want to be treated.
2. Commit to the relationship. There are days that you may not like her or even feel like you don't love her. On those days allow the power of your commitment to save your relationship.
3. Never get married and expect him to change. The way he is today is the way he will always be. If you don't like him and you are just dating, why marry him? And if you did marry him, GET OVER IT! You are not perfect either.
What advice would you give?
Does the fear of failure shroud our relationships? Is society creating as self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to marriage? Do we have any positive images of male/female dating and marriage?
I believe in the power of the bond between a husband and wife. It is a prized and coveted intertwining of lives. It is NOT an anomaly in this nebulous entanglement of relationships that we are party to. Yes, there are bad relationships, just like there are bad restaurants. People are human and sometimes make poor choices and decisions ranging from their selection from the dating pool to how to handle relationship conflict. But can these mistakes be rectified? Absolutely! Divorce is NOT the only answer!
The advice that I would give to couples contemplating marriage as well as those that are newly married would be...
1. Love your significant other like you love yourself. Never treat him in a manner that you yourself would not want to be treated.
2. Commit to the relationship. There are days that you may not like her or even feel like you don't love her. On those days allow the power of your commitment to save your relationship.
3. Never get married and expect him to change. The way he is today is the way he will always be. If you don't like him and you are just dating, why marry him? And if you did marry him, GET OVER IT! You are not perfect either.
What advice would you give?
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