To all of the Sex & the City fans out there, I send a big... hooray!
I absolutely loved the show and eagerly anticipate the release of the movie. However, I was always left pondering the same thought after every episode. "Do men marry women who have sex on the first date?"
Perhaps I am a little old fashioned, but my parents taught me, "Don't give it up so easy! Why would you pay for the cow if you could have the milk for free?" Over the years, through dating, marriage, divorce, dating and marriage again I have always been conscientious of this lesson. It has become very important for me to spend time getting to know the person without the entanglements created by a sexual relationship. Many times, I was quickly able to determine if I really saw potential in a relationship or not - sex never clouded the issue.
Don't be mistaken, I am not saying that I did not want to have sex. However, I was afraid of putting the cart before the horse - knowing how quickly feelings can escalate with the introduction of sex into the relationship. (What's with the animal analogies today?) A couple of guys quickly come to mind from college that in hindsight I realize I was in "sex with them" not love. The difference, at that time, was unrecognizable.
Sex is very powerful and has the ability to create falsehoods. Women have a horrible tendency of "falling in love" with a man solely based on a sexual relationship with no knowledge of his favorite color, mother's name, highest educational level obtained, interest or hobbies. We bond through sex. Yet...who is this person other than the provider of pleasures of the flesh? Similarly men initially engage in sexual relationships for pleasure. However, there is typically no immediate development of emotional attachments. Eventually, if they genuinely like the female men will begin to develop feelings - explaining why it is easier for men to engage in one-night-stands. This doesn't make men wrong...just different. Women get used to it!
So with that said, do men really respect a woman who has sex on the first date? Do they ever enter into committed relationships with these women? Or do they reserve those second level feelings for the woman who is willing to wait?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Dating at 40...Mis-Matched Expectations?
Recently after talking to a girlfriend of mine, I began to ponder the challenges in today's dating scene. Is it harder for 40 somethings to re-enter singlehood and date again?
As we talked I was amazed by the challenges she faced as a single woman. In particular, I began to wonder, "Are 40 something men looking for the same things in a relationship as 40 something women? Or... are budding relationships being strangled by mis-matched expectations?"
My girlfriend, who I'll call Chloe is a professional, divorced mother of two teenage boys. She has a very eclectic and artsy personality. She is well read, a dedicated runner, and cute. She never has difficulties meeting men, however, meeting the "right" man seems to be the problem.
Recently she was dating David, who seemed to have great potential. He was a great conversationalist, well read, extremely handsome and had a great job. One night, he invited her over to his apartment where Chloe discovered he had no furniture - nothing but a bed and television. "What 40 something man has no furniture, she asked?" After giving him the benefit of the doubt she was pleasantly surprised to be invited on a weekend getaway with a group of David's friends. That is until he explained that due to his lack of funds they would be carpooling with another couple AND rooming with a group of his friends that she had never met. Unless, of course, she wanted to pay for the hotel stay. "His funds were low."
Finally after several more conversations with David, Chloe decided that it was time to terminate the relationship and move on. While David had a successful career, he was an irresponsible spendthrift with bad credit looking for someone to help him get established. At 40 something? Typical or bizarre?
Before David, there was Keith. Keith was another professional 40 something that Chloe had agreed to go out with on a blind date. Prior to going to dinner, the two enjoyed numerous engaging phone conversations. Chloe eagerly anticipated their first date.
They met at and Italian restaurant. Chloe immediately extended her hand in greeting. Keith reached for a hug. Chloe explained that she was not comfortable hugging immediately and Keith seemed a little offended. Throughout dinner, Keith attempted several times to either hug or kiss Chloe who was becoming increasingly uncomfortable - after all it was their first date. Keith on the other hand was becoming increasingly agitated. The date goes downhill from here.
Keith began making rude comments and Chloe became defensive. By the end of the night, in Chloe's mind, Keith was a controlling maniac and escape was imperative. After paying her portion of the check AND giving Keith a piece of her mind Chloe fled the restaurant and Keith began chasing her! How did a potentially great date go so incredibly wrong?
Are men and woman really looking for something so distinctly different at 40? I always believed that most men and woman after exiting their 20's are looking for stability. You know...loving relationships, starting families, settling down. Is this an erroneous assumption?
While Chloe is not looking to get married tomorrow, there is the hope that eventually she will marry again. Now in her 40's the thought of entering into a relationship with a man who is financially unable to care for himself is undesirable. In addition, being in a relationship with someone who becomes critical when unable to have his way or assert his authority is a bit frightening.
Is this typical of 40 something dating?
As we talked I was amazed by the challenges she faced as a single woman. In particular, I began to wonder, "Are 40 something men looking for the same things in a relationship as 40 something women? Or... are budding relationships being strangled by mis-matched expectations?"
My girlfriend, who I'll call Chloe is a professional, divorced mother of two teenage boys. She has a very eclectic and artsy personality. She is well read, a dedicated runner, and cute. She never has difficulties meeting men, however, meeting the "right" man seems to be the problem.
Recently she was dating David, who seemed to have great potential. He was a great conversationalist, well read, extremely handsome and had a great job. One night, he invited her over to his apartment where Chloe discovered he had no furniture - nothing but a bed and television. "What 40 something man has no furniture, she asked?" After giving him the benefit of the doubt she was pleasantly surprised to be invited on a weekend getaway with a group of David's friends. That is until he explained that due to his lack of funds they would be carpooling with another couple AND rooming with a group of his friends that she had never met. Unless, of course, she wanted to pay for the hotel stay. "His funds were low."
Finally after several more conversations with David, Chloe decided that it was time to terminate the relationship and move on. While David had a successful career, he was an irresponsible spendthrift with bad credit looking for someone to help him get established. At 40 something? Typical or bizarre?
Before David, there was Keith. Keith was another professional 40 something that Chloe had agreed to go out with on a blind date. Prior to going to dinner, the two enjoyed numerous engaging phone conversations. Chloe eagerly anticipated their first date.
They met at and Italian restaurant. Chloe immediately extended her hand in greeting. Keith reached for a hug. Chloe explained that she was not comfortable hugging immediately and Keith seemed a little offended. Throughout dinner, Keith attempted several times to either hug or kiss Chloe who was becoming increasingly uncomfortable - after all it was their first date. Keith on the other hand was becoming increasingly agitated. The date goes downhill from here.
Keith began making rude comments and Chloe became defensive. By the end of the night, in Chloe's mind, Keith was a controlling maniac and escape was imperative. After paying her portion of the check AND giving Keith a piece of her mind Chloe fled the restaurant and Keith began chasing her! How did a potentially great date go so incredibly wrong?
Are men and woman really looking for something so distinctly different at 40? I always believed that most men and woman after exiting their 20's are looking for stability. You know...loving relationships, starting families, settling down. Is this an erroneous assumption?
While Chloe is not looking to get married tomorrow, there is the hope that eventually she will marry again. Now in her 40's the thought of entering into a relationship with a man who is financially unable to care for himself is undesirable. In addition, being in a relationship with someone who becomes critical when unable to have his way or assert his authority is a bit frightening.
Is this typical of 40 something dating?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Divorce Stigma
Yes, I admit it...I was previously married and divorced. Currently, I am married to my second husband who I love dearly. He's a keeper!
Nevertheless, my first marriage ended one-sided. I didn't want to get divorced but unfortunately that doesn't matter to the legal system. If one party wants out...well the law let's them out. The one thing I remember about being separated and subsequently divorced was the great amount of guilt and shame I felt. Even though I tried repeatedly, albeit unsuccessfully, to salvage the marriage. Yet it seemed that I carried all of the guilt.
I never wanted to be a divorced woman. It seemed at the time that if I were divorced that I was a failure. Inevitably, I internalized a lot of my ex-husband's issues as though they were my own. The constant self-evaluations were draining! It seemed during that period that I wore a plaque on my forehead that proclaimed..."DIVORCED!" That all the world knew my story and secretly blamed me. Yes, looking back in hindsight it sounds like paranoia, but my feelings were real. Those very feelings made me afraid and ashamed to tell my family and friends.
It was not until I began developing a friendship with my current husband, further cultivating my relationship with God, as well as, attending regular counseling sessions that I was able to let those feelings go and completely heal. It is my belief that I am not the only person that experienced these types of marauding emotions.
If you experienced these same or similar types of emotions, while in the midst of separation and divorce, please share how you overcame them. Share how you moved onto to being emotionally healthy and mentally whole. Your story could change the life of someone currently struggling.
Nevertheless, my first marriage ended one-sided. I didn't want to get divorced but unfortunately that doesn't matter to the legal system. If one party wants out...well the law let's them out. The one thing I remember about being separated and subsequently divorced was the great amount of guilt and shame I felt. Even though I tried repeatedly, albeit unsuccessfully, to salvage the marriage. Yet it seemed that I carried all of the guilt.
I never wanted to be a divorced woman. It seemed at the time that if I were divorced that I was a failure. Inevitably, I internalized a lot of my ex-husband's issues as though they were my own. The constant self-evaluations were draining! It seemed during that period that I wore a plaque on my forehead that proclaimed..."DIVORCED!" That all the world knew my story and secretly blamed me. Yes, looking back in hindsight it sounds like paranoia, but my feelings were real. Those very feelings made me afraid and ashamed to tell my family and friends.
It was not until I began developing a friendship with my current husband, further cultivating my relationship with God, as well as, attending regular counseling sessions that I was able to let those feelings go and completely heal. It is my belief that I am not the only person that experienced these types of marauding emotions.
If you experienced these same or similar types of emotions, while in the midst of separation and divorce, please share how you overcame them. Share how you moved onto to being emotionally healthy and mentally whole. Your story could change the life of someone currently struggling.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Marital Relationship vs. Marital Assets
My first job out of college was in a small law firm. At that time I worked as a paralegal with attorneys who specialized in domestic relations and criminal law. Typically, after the attorney was retained, I was responsible for meeting with the client to prepare all documents necessary for filing the Complaint for Divorce or Dissolution with the Court of Domestic Relations. In addition, I filed all of the paperwork, obtained restraining orders, set court dates, etc. Throughout the case, I operated as the liaison between the attorney and the client, to answer questions regarding the status of the case. As you can tell, I spent a great deal of time hearing about the marital problems.
The one thing I found interesting was how ugly the proceedings became during the division of marital property. Couples would quibble ad nauseam over the division of pictures, bank accounts, debts, real property, 401K savings plans, automobiles etc. It was typically during this stage of the divorce when attorney fees skyrocketed due to numerous unproductive meetings and hearings attempting to divide the marital property to the satisfaction of both parties. What I found lacking was how rare it was to see someone argue about saving the relationship.
I understand that there are some instances where saving the relationship is virtually impossible - numerous occurrences of infidelity, abuse, and the like. But often that simply wasn't the case. In some instances external drama began to negatively affect the marital relationship. In other instances, as one person began the journey of personal improvement - for example obtaining degrees in higher education or losing weight, that individual developed a new sense of independence. While increased self esteem is wonderful, it was odd to see those individuals no longer found a need for their spouse. In many cases, couples who initially were inseparable could no longer get along and chose to terminate the relationship. Citing excessive bickering and ultimately incompatibility.
Oddly enough, these were the couples that quibbled the most over their material possessions. So I began to ask myself..."When did the value of marital assets become more important than the value of the marriage?"
The one thing I found interesting was how ugly the proceedings became during the division of marital property. Couples would quibble ad nauseam over the division of pictures, bank accounts, debts, real property, 401K savings plans, automobiles etc. It was typically during this stage of the divorce when attorney fees skyrocketed due to numerous unproductive meetings and hearings attempting to divide the marital property to the satisfaction of both parties. What I found lacking was how rare it was to see someone argue about saving the relationship.
I understand that there are some instances where saving the relationship is virtually impossible - numerous occurrences of infidelity, abuse, and the like. But often that simply wasn't the case. In some instances external drama began to negatively affect the marital relationship. In other instances, as one person began the journey of personal improvement - for example obtaining degrees in higher education or losing weight, that individual developed a new sense of independence. While increased self esteem is wonderful, it was odd to see those individuals no longer found a need for their spouse. In many cases, couples who initially were inseparable could no longer get along and chose to terminate the relationship. Citing excessive bickering and ultimately incompatibility.
Oddly enough, these were the couples that quibbled the most over their material possessions. So I began to ask myself..."When did the value of marital assets become more important than the value of the marriage?"
- $3000 - armour
- $20,000 - vehicle
- $15,000 - equity in real property
- $1,000 - oil painting hanging over the living room sofa
- $250 - stainless steel cookware
Our firm often obtained restraining orders not for individual protection or for the protection of the children, but for the protection of assets. Protection to ensure that one spouse did not vandalize the home or personal property. Protection to ensure that one spouse did not empty bank accounts leaving the other penniless. Protection to ensure that one spouse did not increase credit card debt to the detriment of the other.
I was simply amazed.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Outraged By The Blogging Mistress!
On, Tuesday, November 13, 2007, I posted "Cheaper To Keep Her" where I talked about the irony, in my mind, of Michael Jordan's divorce. Yes, I slithered down into the grimy ranks of the paparazzi and tabloids by posting on a celebrity divorce. Yes, I know, I am always pontificating that the dregs of society spend enough time reporting these types of stories. Yet...I posted the story anyway.
Since then, an anonymous commenter provided a link with the address for the following blog: http://mjordanmistress.blogspot.com/. The author of this blog claims to be the mistress of Michael Jordan. U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E! Okay... while that role/status/title may give what some would call "bragging rights", I personally find it despicable. Better yet repulsive!
If you can't tell by my posts, I am 100% PRO marriage. Therefore, I abhor the very concept of infidelity. Which brings me to my current point...why in the HELL would someone write a blog detailing her affair with a married man? I am at a loss for words and yet I feel the urge to rant and rave and stamp my feet like a 2 year old bubbling to the surface of my rationality.
Regardless of how their relationship ended, Juanita Jordan spent years married to Michael Jordan, taking care of their home and raising their children. Who? I ask again Who would sink to lowest levels of humanity and write a blog for all mankind with access to the Internet to see? A blog detailing her tawdry affair? I am floored by the audacity of some people! And how humiliating it must be for public figures to have the intimate details of their relationship exposed.
Initially, when I saw the link I was intrigued. I thought...NO, couldn't possibly be real. After reading a couple of posts, I thought even if it's not real...what's the purpose. This psycho needs to find a rock to crawl under!
If my impassioned speech hasn't offended you...what are your thoughts?
Since then, an anonymous commenter provided a link with the address for the following blog: http://mjordanmistress.blogspot.com/. The author of this blog claims to be the mistress of Michael Jordan. U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E! Okay... while that role/status/title may give what some would call "bragging rights", I personally find it despicable. Better yet repulsive!
If you can't tell by my posts, I am 100% PRO marriage. Therefore, I abhor the very concept of infidelity. Which brings me to my current point...why in the HELL would someone write a blog detailing her affair with a married man? I am at a loss for words and yet I feel the urge to rant and rave and stamp my feet like a 2 year old bubbling to the surface of my rationality.
Regardless of how their relationship ended, Juanita Jordan spent years married to Michael Jordan, taking care of their home and raising their children. Who? I ask again Who would sink to lowest levels of humanity and write a blog for all mankind with access to the Internet to see? A blog detailing her tawdry affair? I am floored by the audacity of some people! And how humiliating it must be for public figures to have the intimate details of their relationship exposed.
Initially, when I saw the link I was intrigued. I thought...NO, couldn't possibly be real. After reading a couple of posts, I thought even if it's not real...what's the purpose. This psycho needs to find a rock to crawl under!
If my impassioned speech hasn't offended you...what are your thoughts?
Friday, February 29, 2008
New Woman Blues - A Different Point of View
In my post, New Woman Blues, I discussed the phenomenon of psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives who stalk, threaten, and attempt to abuse the new girlfriend or wife. Having personally experienced this, New Woman Blues, briefly summarized the awful experience.
Recently, Anonymous posted a comment addressing the other side of the equation. The Ex-girlfriend or Ex-wife who is being strung along. The Ex who is being made to believe that reconciliation is possible even inevitable while the man is gallivanting around with this woman and that woman. Here is the comment...
Recently, Anonymous posted a comment addressing the other side of the equation. The Ex-girlfriend or Ex-wife who is being strung along. The Ex who is being made to believe that reconciliation is possible even inevitable while the man is gallivanting around with this woman and that woman. Here is the comment...
"Most likely the ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is still sleeping with the ex-wife/ex-girlfriend and she is po'd. Many guys string along their ex's...benefits: sex, emotional support (they were to meet some need at some point), financial reasons (ie- she may take me to court), children, etc.I have seen it so many times and been there myself. My ex-husband of 12 years led me on staying with me so he wouldnt prentending to reconcile. In the meantime he was meeting other women and when one came along who was willing to buy him anything, ignore his alcohol problems and jet him off on vactions, he finally left.
I say good riddance but the new gf swears he wasnt with his family (to make herself feel better). The only contact is lawyers, lawyers and more lawyers. I wont stoop to her games (she sends me bikini photos of herself). She hates that he has to pay alimony and child support. You are better off finding someone who isn't tangled up with an ex. Someone who is free and clear to give his whole heart to you. Why would you want someone else's trash anyway? Getting involved with men with such issues leads to question your own self-esteem...Don't play saviour to these men and don't put yourself in the middle if you don't want the drama. Find someone who isn't involved somehow with his ex- that's what I have done!"
Anonymous... you raise an excellent point. In my situation, the EX only came back after I became the new woman. She has even admitted, albeit to others we know so I know this is considered heresay, that she was angry the he moved on so quickly. That is definitely a control issue. You can't break up with someone and then decide when they are allowed to move on. Give me a break! In this situation, I agree wholeheartedly with the comment left by Mr. M.
Yet, there are always two sides to every coin. So today, we shall look at it from your side. Without a doubt, it was wrong for your Ex and others like him to lead you or anyone else for that matter on. Break-ups are beyond difficult and certainly wreak havoc in your life. When the Ex, whether male or female, continues to play on the other's emotions by constantly engaging and disengaging the relationship or making false promises it becomes a toxic situation. The self esteem and self worth of the person holding on to hope diminishes. The relationship disintegrates into something unrecognizable. Ironically, so does the brokenhearted lover.
Inevitably, a decision must be made:
Option 1. Dump this loser - I am worth more than that! or
Option 2. Fight to the bitter end and let the best person win!
I choose Option 1, because even though you don't initially realize it, NO ONE wins when you choose Option 2. I refuse to one day look up and find myself on the wrong side of the Courtroom because I am being charged with stalking, assualt, or battery. I refuse to "win" at the expense of tearing apart the life of someone else - an innocent someone else. I refuse to stoop to that level.
Your thoughts...
Monday, February 25, 2008
Brittany...Again?
How many of you are tired of hearing about Brittany Spears in the news?
Yes, Brittany is going through a divorce. SO WHAT! So are almost 60% of married couples in the United States. But do you see even 5% of those couples on the news? In the newspaper? In the tabloids? Or on entertainment television shows?
Do you really care that Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline are unable to resolve their marital differences amicably? I don't!
Are you titillated by the fact that Brittany Spears possibly has an alcohol or drug addiction? I'm Not!
Are you really interested in the fact that Brittany has more DUI's at this point than hit records? Not really!
Seriously, why are photographs and videos stockpiling within the electronic libraries, databases, and Internet files showing Brittany Spears transporting her children without a license... again?
Relationships are hard enough as it is. What is the purpose of pursuing someone who is obviously unhappy simply for profit? It seems morbid if you ask me. But then again no one did, which is why we are being bombarded with these images daily.
Brittany and Kevin need divorce counseling. Brittany probably needs substance abuse counseling. If this insipid nonsense continues, their children will need psychological counseling. And Kevin...well he probably needs image counseling.
Now that's the end of the story!
Yes, Brittany is going through a divorce. SO WHAT! So are almost 60% of married couples in the United States. But do you see even 5% of those couples on the news? In the newspaper? In the tabloids? Or on entertainment television shows?
Do you really care that Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline are unable to resolve their marital differences amicably? I don't!
Are you titillated by the fact that Brittany Spears possibly has an alcohol or drug addiction? I'm Not!
Are you really interested in the fact that Brittany has more DUI's at this point than hit records? Not really!
Seriously, why are photographs and videos stockpiling within the electronic libraries, databases, and Internet files showing Brittany Spears transporting her children without a license... again?
Relationships are hard enough as it is. What is the purpose of pursuing someone who is obviously unhappy simply for profit? It seems morbid if you ask me. But then again no one did, which is why we are being bombarded with these images daily.
Brittany and Kevin need divorce counseling. Brittany probably needs substance abuse counseling. If this insipid nonsense continues, their children will need psychological counseling. And Kevin...well he probably needs image counseling.
Now that's the end of the story!
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