Friday, February 29, 2008

New Woman Blues - A Different Point of View

In my post, New Woman Blues, I discussed the phenomenon of psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives who stalk, threaten, and attempt to abuse the new girlfriend or wife. Having personally experienced this, New Woman Blues, briefly summarized the awful experience.

Recently, Anonymous posted a comment addressing the other side of the equation. The Ex-girlfriend or Ex-wife who is being strung along. The Ex who is being made to believe that reconciliation is possible even inevitable while the man is gallivanting around with this woman and that woman. Here is the comment...

"Most likely the ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is still sleeping with the ex-wife/ex-girlfriend and she is po'd. Many guys string along their ex's...benefits: sex, emotional support (they were to meet some need at some point), financial reasons (ie- she may take me to court), children, etc.I have seen it so many times and been there myself. My ex-husband of 12 years led me on staying with me so he wouldnt prentending to reconcile. In the meantime he was meeting other women and when one came along who was willing to buy him anything, ignore his alcohol problems and jet him off on vactions, he finally left.

I say good riddance but the new gf swears he wasnt with his family (to make herself feel better). The only contact is lawyers, lawyers and more lawyers. I wont stoop to her games (she sends me bikini photos of herself). She hates that he has to pay alimony and child support. You are better off finding someone who isn't tangled up with an ex. Someone who is free and clear to give his whole heart to you. Why would you want someone else's trash anyway? Getting involved with men with such issues leads to question your own self-esteem...Don't play saviour to these men and don't put yourself in the middle if you don't want the drama. Find someone who isn't involved somehow with his ex- that's what I have done!"

Anonymous... you raise an excellent point. In my situation, the EX only came back after I became the new woman. She has even admitted, albeit to others we know so I know this is considered heresay, that she was angry the he moved on so quickly. That is definitely a control issue. You can't break up with someone and then decide when they are allowed to move on. Give me a break! In this situation, I agree wholeheartedly with the comment left by Mr. M.

Yet, there are always two sides to every coin. So today, we shall look at it from your side. Without a doubt, it was wrong for your Ex and others like him to lead you or anyone else for that matter on. Break-ups are beyond difficult and certainly wreak havoc in your life. When the Ex, whether male or female, continues to play on the other's emotions by constantly engaging and disengaging the relationship or making false promises it becomes a toxic situation. The self esteem and self worth of the person holding on to hope diminishes. The relationship disintegrates into something unrecognizable. Ironically, so does the brokenhearted lover.

Inevitably, a decision must be made:

Option 1. Dump this loser - I am worth more than that! or

Option 2. Fight to the bitter end and let the best person win!

I choose Option 1, because even though you don't initially realize it, NO ONE wins when you choose Option 2. I refuse to one day look up and find myself on the wrong side of the Courtroom because I am being charged with stalking, assualt, or battery. I refuse to "win" at the expense of tearing apart the life of someone else - an innocent someone else. I refuse to stoop to that level.

Your thoughts...


Smirking Cat said...

Games require 2 people to play. My ex-husband tried to re-enter my life after we separated, and I didn't play along. Even when someone has done something wrong, often times we play a part in allowing it to happen. That's the side most people don't want to face or even admit exists.

Mister-M said...

The main malfunction in "Anonymous'" commentary prompts a comment that I very often make:

Women tend to not accept responsibility for their own actions.

If you read her commentary closely, nowhere does Anonymous point out that the true root-cause of "being strung along" lies solely at the feet of the ex-girlfriend/ex-wife in choosing to make bad decisions.


It's not the man's fault in the scenarios provided by anonymous - it's the woman's fault and until people start accepting responsibility for their behaviors (a tall order in today's society) - the yawning chasm that exists between genders will remain so.

In my own history, despite what you read and my being completely pissed off about it - I have accepted that the only reason those 10+ years existed as they did was simply because I chose it. I ignored countless red flags. I chose (for better or worse) to repeatedly try to "fix it." I made many mistakes along the way.

Yes, it's a painful realization. One thing I won't do is accept responsibility for her actions, reactions, etc. That's on her and we can debate until the cows come home just who is "most" responsible for the destruction of the relationship.

njm said...

Smirking Cat,

Excellent point. When the ex tries to return we do have the right to say NO. It is very easy to want to play the victim, but you are right we often are partly responsible.

njm said...


It is important to realize our part in a bad situation. I believe that is the first step to healing and moving on. Otherwise it is easy to rehash and relive all the wrong "inflicted" on you. When in essence it could have been stopped.