My Thoughts Exactly!

Sex And The City

2008-03-31T06:07:00.000-07:00

To all of the Sex & the City fans out there, I send a big... hooray!

I absolutely loved the show and eagerly anticipate the release of the movie. However, I was always left pondering the same thought after every episode. "Do men marry women who have sex on the first date?"

Perhaps I am a little old fashioned, but my parents taught me, "Don't give it up so easy! Why would you pay for the cow if you could have the milk for free?" Over the years, through dating, marriage, divorce, dating and marriage again I have always been conscientious of this lesson. It has become very important for me to spend time getting to know the person without the entanglements created by a sexual relationship. Many times, I was quickly able to determine if I really saw potential in a relationship or not - sex never clouded the issue.

Don't be mistaken, I am not saying that I did not want to have sex. However, I was afraid of putting the cart before the horse - knowing how quickly feelings can escalate with the introduction of sex into the relationship. (What's with the animal analogies today?) A couple of guys quickly come to mind from college that in hindsight I realize I was in "sex with them" not love. The difference, at that time, was unrecognizable.

Sex is very powerful and has the ability to create falsehoods. Women have a horrible tendency of "falling in love" with a man solely based on a sexual relationship with no knowledge of his favorite color, mother's name, highest educational level obtained, interest or hobbies. We bond through sex. Yet...who is this person other than the provider of pleasures of the flesh? Similarly men initially engage in sexual relationships for pleasure. However, there is typically no immediate development of emotional attachments. Eventually, if they genuinely like the female men will begin to develop feelings - explaining why it is easier for men to engage in one-night-stands. This doesn't make men wrong...just different. Women get used to it!

So with that said, do men really respect a woman who has sex on the first date? Do they ever enter into committed relationships with these women? Or do they reserve those second level feelings for the woman who is willing to wait?

Dating at 40...Mis-Matched Expectations?

2008-03-29T05:10:00.000-07:00

Recently after talking to a girlfriend of mine, I began to ponder the challenges in today's dating scene. Is it harder for 40 somethings to re-enter singlehood and date again?

As we talked I was amazed by the challenges she faced as a single woman. In particular, I began to wonder, "Are 40 something men looking for the same things in a relationship as 40 something women? Or... are budding relationships being strangled by mis-matched expectations?"

My girlfriend, who I'll call Chloe is a professional, divorced mother of two teenage boys. She has a very eclectic and artsy personality. She is well read, a dedicated runner, and cute. She never has difficulties meeting men, however, meeting the "right" man seems to be the problem.

Recently she was dating David, who seemed to have great potential. He was a great conversationalist, well read, extremely handsome and had a great job. One night, he invited her over to his apartment where Chloe discovered he had no furniture - nothing but a bed and television. "What 40 something man has no furniture, she asked?" After giving him the benefit of the doubt she was pleasantly surprised to be invited on a weekend getaway with a group of David's friends. That is until he explained that due to his lack of funds they would be carpooling with another couple AND rooming with a group of his friends that she had never met. Unless, of course, she wanted to pay for the hotel stay. "His funds were low."

Finally after several more conversations with David, Chloe decided that it was time to terminate the relationship and move on. While David had a successful career, he was an irresponsible spendthrift with bad credit looking for someone to help him get established. At 40 something? Typical or bizarre?

Before David, there was Keith. Keith was another professional 40 something that Chloe had agreed to go out with on a blind date. Prior to going to dinner, the two enjoyed numerous engaging phone conversations. Chloe eagerly anticipated their first date.

They met at and Italian restaurant. Chloe immediately extended her hand in greeting. Keith reached for a hug. Chloe explained that she was not comfortable hugging immediately and Keith seemed a little offended. Throughout dinner, Keith attempted several times to either hug or kiss Chloe who was becoming increasingly uncomfortable - after all it was their first date. Keith on the other hand was becoming increasingly agitated. The date goes downhill from here.

Keith began making rude comments and Chloe became defensive. By the end of the night, in Chloe's mind, Keith was a controlling maniac and escape was imperative. After paying her portion of the check AND giving Keith a piece of her mind Chloe fled the restaurant and Keith began chasing her! How did a potentially great date go so incredibly wrong?

Are men and woman really looking for something so distinctly different at 40? I always believed that most men and woman after exiting their 20's are looking for stability. You know...loving relationships, starting families, settling down. Is this an erroneous assumption?

While Chloe is not looking to get married tomorrow, there is the hope that eventually she will marry again. Now in her 40's the thought of entering into a relationship with a man who is financially unable to care for himself is undesirable. In addition, being in a relationship with someone who becomes critical when unable to have his way or assert his authority is a bit frightening.

Is this typical of 40 something dating?

Divorce Stigma

2008-03-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

Yes, I admit it...I was previously married and divorced. Currently, I am married to my second husband who I love dearly. He's a keeper!

Nevertheless, my first marriage ended one-sided. I didn't want to get divorced but unfortunately that doesn't matter to the legal system. If one party wants out...well the law let's them out. The one thing I remember about being separated and subsequently divorced was the great amount of guilt and shame I felt. Even though I tried repeatedly, albeit unsuccessfully, to salvage the marriage. Yet it seemed that I carried all of the guilt.

I never wanted to be a divorced woman. It seemed at the time that if I were divorced that I was a failure. Inevitably, I internalized a lot of my ex-husband's issues as though they were my own. The constant self-evaluations were draining! It seemed during that period that I wore a plaque on my forehead that proclaimed..."DIVORCED!" That all the world knew my story and secretly blamed me. Yes, looking back in hindsight it sounds like paranoia, but my feelings were real. Those very feelings made me afraid and ashamed to tell my family and friends.

It was not until I began developing a friendship with my current husband, further cultivating my relationship with God, as well as, attending regular counseling sessions that I was able to let those feelings go and completely heal. It is my belief that I am not the only person that experienced these types of marauding emotions.

If you experienced these same or similar types of emotions, while in the midst of separation and divorce, please share how you overcame them. Share how you moved onto to being emotionally healthy and mentally whole. Your story could change the life of someone currently struggling.

Marital Relationship vs. Marital Assets

2008-03-17T08:12:00.001-07:00

My first job out of college was in a small law firm. At that time I worked as a paralegal with attorneys who specialized in domestic relations and criminal law. Typically, after the attorney was retained, I was responsible for meeting with the client to prepare all documents necessary for filing the Complaint for Divorce or Dissolution with the Court of Domestic Relations. In addition, I filed all of the paperwork, obtained restraining orders, set court dates, etc. Throughout the case, I operated as the liaison between the attorney and the client, to answer questions regarding the status of the case. As you can tell, I spent a great deal of time hearing about the marital problems.

The one thing I found interesting was how ugly the proceedings became during the division of marital property. Couples would quibble ad nauseam over the division of pictures, bank accounts, debts, real property, 401K savings plans, automobiles etc. It was typically during this stage of the divorce when attorney fees skyrocketed due to numerous unproductive meetings and hearings attempting to divide the marital property to the satisfaction of both parties. What I found lacking was how rare it was to see someone argue about saving the relationship.

I understand that there are some instances where saving the relationship is virtually impossible - numerous occurrences of infidelity, abuse, and the like. But often that simply wasn't the case. In some instances external drama began to negatively affect the marital relationship. In other instances, as one person began the journey of personal improvement - for example obtaining degrees in higher education or losing weight, that individual developed a new sense of independence. While increased self esteem is wonderful, it was odd to see those individuals no longer found a need for their spouse. In many cases, couples who initially were inseparable could no longer get along and chose to terminate the relationship. Citing excessive bickering and ultimately incompatibility.

Oddly enough, these were the couples that quibbled the most over their material possessions. So I began to ask myself..."When did the value of marital assets become more important than the value of the marriage?"

$3000 - armour
$20,000 - vehicle
$15,000 - equity in real property
$1,000 - oil painting hanging over the living room sofa
$250 - stainless steel cookware

Our firm often obtained restraining orders not for individual protection or for the protection of the children, but for the protection of assets. Protection to ensure that one spouse did not vandalize the home or personal property. Protection to ensure that one spouse did not empty bank accounts leaving the other penniless. Protection to ensure that one spouse did not increase credit card debt to the detriment of the other.

I was simply amazed.

Outraged By The Blogging Mistress!

2008-03-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

On, Tuesday, November 13, 2007, I posted "Cheaper To Keep Her" where I talked about the irony, in my mind, of Michael Jordan's divorce. Yes, I slithered down into the grimy ranks of the paparazzi and tabloids by posting on a celebrity divorce. Yes, I know, I am always pontificating that the dregs of society spend enough time reporting these types of stories. Yet...I posted the story anyway.

Since then, an anonymous commenter provided a link with the address for the following blog: http://mjordanmistress.blogspot.com/. The author of this blog claims to be the mistress of Michael Jordan. U-N-B-E-L-I-E-V-A-B-L-E! Okay... while that role/status/title may give what some would call "bragging rights", I personally find it despicable. Better yet repulsive!

If you can't tell by my posts, I am 100% PRO marriage. Therefore, I abhor the very concept of infidelity. Which brings me to my current point...why in the HELL would someone write a blog detailing her affair with a married man? I am at a loss for words and yet I feel the urge to rant and rave and stamp my feet like a 2 year old bubbling to the surface of my rationality.

Regardless of how their relationship ended, Juanita Jordan spent years married to Michael Jordan, taking care of their home and raising their children. Who? I ask again Who would sink to lowest levels of humanity and write a blog for all mankind with access to the Internet to see? A blog detailing her tawdry affair? I am floored by the audacity of some people! And how humiliating it must be for public figures to have the intimate details of their relationship exposed.

Initially, when I saw the link I was intrigued. I thought...NO, couldn't possibly be real. After reading a couple of posts, I thought even if it's not real...what's the purpose. This psycho needs to find a rock to crawl under!

If my impassioned speech hasn't offended you...what are your thoughts?

New Woman Blues - A Different Point of View

2008-02-29T11:58:00.001-08:00

In my post, New Woman Blues, I discussed the phenomenon of psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives who stalk, threaten, and attempt to abuse the new girlfriend or wife. Having personally experienced this, New Woman Blues, briefly summarized the awful experience.

Recently, Anonymous posted a comment addressing the other side of the equation. The Ex-girlfriend or Ex-wife who is being strung along. The Ex who is being made to believe that reconciliation is possible even inevitable while the man is gallivanting around with this woman and that woman. Here is the comment...

"Most likely the ex-boyfriend/ex-husband is still sleeping with the ex-wife/ex-girlfriend and she is po'd. Many guys string along their ex's...benefits: sex, emotional support (they were to meet some need at some point), financial reasons (ie- she may take me to court), children, etc.I have seen it so many times and been there myself. My ex-husband of 12 years led me on staying with me so he wouldnt prentending to reconcile. In the meantime he was meeting other women and when one came along who was willing to buy him anything, ignore his alcohol problems and jet him off on vactions, he finally left.

I say good riddance but the new gf swears he wasnt with his family (to make herself feel better). The only contact is lawyers, lawyers and more lawyers. I wont stoop to her games (she sends me bikini photos of herself). She hates that he has to pay alimony and child support. You are better off finding someone who isn't tangled up with an ex. Someone who is free and clear to give his whole heart to you. Why would you want someone else's trash anyway? Getting involved with men with such issues leads to question your own self-esteem...Don't play saviour to these men and don't put yourself in the middle if you don't want the drama. Find someone who isn't involved somehow with his ex- that's what I have done!"

Anonymous... you raise an excellent point. In my situation, the EX only came back after I became the new woman. She has even admitted, albeit to others we know so I know this is considered heresay, that she was angry the he moved on so quickly. That is definitely a control issue. You can't break up with someone and then decide when they are allowed to move on. Give me a break! In this situation, I agree wholeheartedly with the comment left by Mr. M.

Yet, there are always two sides to every coin. So today, we shall look at it from your side. Without a doubt, it was wrong for your Ex and others like him to lead you or anyone else for that matter on. Break-ups are beyond difficult and certainly wreak havoc in your life. When the Ex, whether male or female, continues to play on the other's emotions by constantly engaging and disengaging the relationship or making false promises it becomes a toxic situation. The self esteem and self worth of the person holding on to hope diminishes. The relationship disintegrates into something unrecognizable. Ironically, so does the brokenhearted lover.

Inevitably, a decision must be made:

Option 1. Dump this loser - I am worth more than that! or

Option 2. Fight to the bitter end and let the best person win!

I choose Option 1, because even though you don't initially realize it, NO ONE wins when you choose Option 2. I refuse to one day look up and find myself on the wrong side of the Courtroom because I am being charged with stalking, assualt, or battery. I refuse to "win" at the expense of tearing apart the life of someone else - an innocent someone else. I refuse to stoop to that level.

Your thoughts...

Brittany...Again?

2008-02-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

How many of you are tired of hearing about Brittany Spears in the news?

Yes, Brittany is going through a divorce. SO WHAT! So are almost 60% of married couples in the United States. But do you see even 5% of those couples on the news? In the newspaper? In the tabloids? Or on entertainment television shows?

Do you really care that Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline are unable to resolve their marital differences amicably? I don't!

Are you titillated by the fact that Brittany Spears possibly has an alcohol or drug addiction? I'm Not!

Are you really interested in the fact that Brittany has more DUI's at this point than hit records? Not really!

Seriously, why are photographs and videos stockpiling within the electronic libraries, databases, and Internet files showing Brittany Spears transporting her children without a license... again?

Relationships are hard enough as it is. What is the purpose of pursuing someone who is obviously unhappy simply for profit? It seems morbid if you ask me. But then again no one did, which is why we are being bombarded with these images daily.

Brittany and Kevin need divorce counseling. Brittany probably needs substance abuse counseling. If this insipid nonsense continues, their children will need psychological counseling. And Kevin...well he probably needs image counseling.

Now that's the end of the story!

Common Ground

2008-02-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today I visited MenWeb, the site that openly discusses the abuse that men face at the hands of women. I commend the originator of this site as it exposes the reality faced by many men today. In my unsolicited opinion, I believe that the exposure is needed now more than ever. I believe three things...

Men are abused by woman.
Men rarely report the abuse.
Men experience unfair treatment in the Courts for domestic violence.

However, I do not know if I am ready to believe that men experience abuse as often as woman or with the same level of brutality. Please keep in the forefront of your mind that - I 100% support EQUAL treatment for both men and women victims of domestic violence. Yet, I personally know many women who experienced violent and brutal abuse and today still live with the after effects of that abuse.

My proposal is that we stop comparing the statistics of violence upon men and woman and work together to advocate:

Violence free relationships.
Protection for the abused.
Swift punishment for the abuser.

The damage of domestic violence is long lasting regardless of who experienced the abuse. In addition, if children are involved the effect travels from one generation to the next - from the inability to enter into committed relationships to the increased propensity to become an abuser, to the personal acceptance of abusive behavior.

If you know of any advocate groups or websites that call for equality in domestic violence for both men and women, please share.

Domestic Violence - The Other Side?

2008-02-10T10:52:00.001-08:00

After viewing the post dated Thursday, January 24, 2008, titled Hair Salon Discussions - Domestic Violence, Mister-M co-author of "The Psycho Ex-Wife" left a very passionate comment that I thought needed some exposure.

Check out the comment below and let's discuss...

"I think many people, both men and women are grossly misinformed when it comes to domestic violence and how statistics (in either direction) can be skewed. Recent studies, some multinational, overwhelmingly show that in a relationship, women are almost as likely as men to initiate violence. When you factor in that mandatory arrest policies which exist in most states usually means "arrest the man" - we can't really know how often men are arrested for domestic violence when the reality is - they were defending themselves, oftentimes against a woman wielding a weapon.

It doesn't matter - if a woman shows any damage whatsoever - the man is going to jail regardless of the circumstances. Let's continue - throw in the reality that men have historically been told to "man up and deal with it" - are laughed at by authorities when they report DV - are shunned by abuse centers which are supposed to assist equally - the underreporting of woman-on-man domestic violence is a humongous factor as well.

Finally - just look at the press. All a woman has to do is claim "abuse syndrome" - whether there is any evidence of it or not - and get away with murder (most recently the woman who shot her reverend husband IN THE BACK WITH A SHOTGUN - killing him). Women are rarely, if ever, punished equally for committing like similar crimes as men. It's all about the societal perception and the radical feminist mantra that "we live in a patriarchal society" blah, blah, blah... women are always the victim and men are always the oppresser. Not true - but most people don't care to look more deeply into the issues. They take what is spoon-fed them by the media and what the popular, radical feminist agenda is - and that's their reality. No, I am not a woman-hater. What I don't like is how the laws of this land overwhelmingly favor the women of this country - in criminal court, in civil court, and in divorce and family court... and society at-large is suffering significantly as a result.

That is... men, women, children... families. Everyone. The reason we can't often have reasonable discourse about it is that everyone has their inherent biases and it's very hard for people to set them aside for the greater good. It's all about "what's good for me."

Check out http://www.batteredmen.com for a peek at the other side, whether you like it or not."

What do you think?

New Woman Blues

2008-02-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

Why is it that women break up or divorce their significant other then flip out when he begins to date again? I have never understood this phenomenom.

Over the years I have been the victim of both pyscho ex-girlfriends and psycho ex-wives. I have received phone threats. I have been stalked. I even had one lunatic show up at my house at 3:00 a.m. banging on my door because she heard that I had been over MY boyfriend's house which just happened to be her ex-husband.

For some bizarre reason narcissistic women seem to think they own the men they break-up with. They don't want to be in a relationship with them, yet they don't want you to be in a relationship with them either. Like the crazy astronaut woman who drove across the country wearing a diaper because her ex was dating someone new. Is this mere jealousy or borderline psychosis?

And if you are the new girlfriend or wife...how do you deal with the craziness? When do you put vaseline on your face, take off your earrings, put on your gymshoes and kick some butt? Like Cincinnati's very own City Councilwoman Laketia Cole. Her boyfriend's psycho ex-girlfriend showed up unexpectantly while Ms. Cole and her boyfriend were spending quality time together. Needless to say Laketia gave the psycho ex-girlfriend the smackdown!

My advice to the psycho ex-girlfriends and ex-wives of the world:

1. Let go psychos!
2. Move on! He has.
3. Seek a trained professional for counseling - You ARE crazy!
4. There is medication for everything - find yours and use it!

Hair Salon Discussions - Domestic Violence

2008-01-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

While sitting in the hair salon, we had a great debate over the treatment of men and woman in the court system when domestic violence is involved. While all agreed that domestic violence is wrong, there was a distinct underlying bias toward women.

Argument A: One woman, in a nutshell, argued that they didn't care one way or the other if men received harsher penalties than a woman for the same offense. The justification was based on the fact that the likelihood of a man causing significant harm to a woman is far greater than a woman causing lasting harm to a man. Additionally, the sheer numbers of men abusers versus women abusers speak for themselves. Men are far more likely to abuse a woman than the other way around. Harsher penalties for men should send a message.

Argument B: One woman argued, does it really matter who can cause the most damage? What matters is that a person, whether male or female has the right to expect that when in the presence of another individual to feel safe. Safety includes without the threat of being abused and if abused that the legal system would be just and swiftly punish the abuser. The numbers don't matter. If we excuse bad behavior, because it's a woman, what are we teaching our children? What example is society setting?

Argument C: Finally, a third woman argued the motto, "If you do something harmful to me...shame on you. If you do something harmful to me again...shame on me." Basically, people are crazy these days and you cannot expect the legal system to protect you. Your number one defense is you. If you - whether male or female find yourself in a domestic violence situation for the first time, you are a victim. After that initial situation, it is your responsibility to protect yourself. If that means never coming in contact with the abuser again, then that's just what you have to do. Thus protecting yourself from being abused again. If you repeatedly find yourself in an abusive situation, then you are the problem.

What do you think?

The Psycho Ex-Wife

2008-01-21T22:49:00.000-08:00

Previously, I posted about bad behavior following a breakup or divorce. A couple weeks later I "Mister M" posted here and provided a link to his sometimes comical, sometimes sad, very informative blog... "The Psycho Ex-Wife"

Check it out and let me know your thoughts. I have truly enjoyed it!

P.S. Pay special attention to the "Cast of Characters". My mother and I were reading and nodding our heads together in agreement. If nothing else, you may recognize someone you know...I know I did!

Hillary Clinton Talks About Adultery

2008-01-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

TYRA GETS HILLARY TO TALK ABOUT BILL'S CHEATING: Sen. Clinton gets real personal during taping of Banks' talk show.

During a taping of the "Tyra Banks Show" Monday, Hillary Clinton spoke candidly and at length about the pain she endured when her husband, former president Bill Clinton, had his White House fling with former staffer Monica Lewinsky.

“I really had to dig down deep and think hard about what was right for me, what was right for my family,” the Democratic presidential hopeful told Banks in an appearance set to air Friday.
In explaining her decision to stay in the marriage, she told Tyra: “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever, and I never doubted my faith and my commitment to our daughter and our extended family.”

Her initial reaction to his infidelity, however, was not as diplomatic. In fact, she admitted to dealing with a range of emotions – from anger to embarrassment.

“The momentary feelings — you know, you are mad, you are really upset, you are disappointed — all of that goes through your mind …” Clinton said. “I have found you really shouldn’t make decisions in the heat of those moments.”

After surviving such a high-profile affair, Banks noted, women must come up and say, "My husband is stepping out on me," and ask, "What is Clinton’s advice?"

"I say you have to be true to yourself," Clinton said. "No one story is the same as any other story. I don’t know your reality. I can’t possibly substitute my judgment for yours. … You have to do what is right for you and that may not be what anybody else believes."

After reading this interview on EURWeb, I gained a new respect for Hillary Clinton. During the highly publicized and scandalous affair between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewisnsky, I erroneously concluded that Hillary only wanted Bill for his position, power, and money. She appeared to be nonchalant even removed from the entire situation. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with that woman! Her husband publicly humiliated her and she does nothing but stand beside him and smile!"

This interview allowed me to see Hillary Clinton as human. A real woman and wife who was crapped on and lived to tell about it. Even still a committed woman who made the decision to fight for her marriage. It made me stop and think...

How often does this happen? One spouse enters into an adulterous relationship, however, due to a variety of circumstances (position, children, etc.) the innocent party cannot outwardly display their emotions? The innocent spouse grins outwardly, yet suffers inwardly. Hhmm...

Bridesmaid Mania - What's The Point? Part 2

2008-01-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

Well I said this blog would contain random musings about relationships, break-ups, divorce, etc., so here's a random musing...

In Part 1 of this post, I disclosed that I had previously been a bridesmaid in 8 weddings, 6 of which ended in divorce. That's about a 75% divorce rate...Sheesh! That 's simply awful, but the topic for another post.

I remember, being admonished that the role of the bridal party is to stand as witnesses before God to the covenant relationship. I was also instructed that if either of the parties (bride/groom) were found violating their covenant relationship (the marriage) that I had the right to tell them they were wrong and remind them of the vows they had taken before God and man alike. Well, I held up my end of the bargain...yet they still divorced.

Let's take a trip down memory lane...

Here's how the whole bridesmaids role began (per Wikipedia):

A bridesmaid is a girl or young woman who attends to the bride during or after a wedding or marriage ceremony. Traditionally, bridesmaids were chosen from unwed young women of marriageable age. The principal bridesmaid is called the maid of honor (or matron of honor if she is married). A bridesmaid is often a close friend or sister. Often there is more than one bridesmaid: in modern times the bride chooses how many to have. Historically, no person of status went out unattended, and the size of the retinue was closely calculated to be appropriate to the status of the personage. (Okay, we knew that!)

In early Roman times, bridesmaids formed a kind of bridal infantry as they accompanied the bride to the groom's village. This "protective shield" of similarly outfitted bridesmaids was supposed to intervene if any wayward thugs or vengeful suitors tried to hurt the bride or steal her dowry. (Thank goodness for the police...unless of course you are Rodney King.)

However, the Western bridesmaid tradition seems to have originated from later Roman law, which required ten witnesses at a wedding in order to outsmart evil spirits believed to attend marriage ceremonies. The bridesmaids and ushers dressed in identical clothing to the bride and groom, so that the evil spirits would not know who was getting married. Even as late as 19th century England, there was a belief that ill-wishers could administer curses and taint the wedding. (What about the evil people who seek after and enjoy relationships with married men and women? How do we ward them off?)

Why did you become a bridesmaid? Even better, would you do it again?

Bridesmaid Mania - What's The Point?

2008-01-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

Over the years, I think I have been a bridesmaid in approximately 8 weddings. Yes we went all out... dresses, shoes, jewelry, special hairstyles, nail appointments... the works. In addition, to being the bridesmaid, I assisted with the planning and possibly paid a portion of the bridal shower, not to mention the fact that I purchased bridal shower and possibly bachelorette party gifts.

Practically speaking, of the 8 weddings to wit I was delegated bridesmaid responsibilities - 6 couples divorced, 1 couple cancelled the wedding one month prior to the scheduled nuptial date (yes the dress and all alterations had been paid for), and 1 couple will celebrate their 12th wedding anniversary in 2008.

According to Conde Nast Bridal Media's "American Wedding Study" 2006 statistics reflect:

Brides have an average of 5 bridesmaids in their wedding.

Based on 2.2 million weddings per year, there are approximately 11 million bridesmaids each year.

There are 44,230 weddings every weekend, 23 million bridesmaids and groomsmen, and almost 380 million wedding guests.

64% of brides have their bridesmaids dress identically.

Bridesmaid's dresses cost an average of $691 total, figuring to be $138 each with the average of 5 attendants.

Based upon my experience, I ask...where did this tradition begin and is the expensive, time consuming ritual worth continuing?

Wedding Proposals - Is the Hoopla Worth It?

2008-01-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

I recently read "Celebrity Wedding Proposal Stories" an article on 7Online.com. Being the woman that I am, I began to ooh and aah over each story, even becoming misty eyed at times. However, as the sentimental feelings began to fade and I drifted back towards reality I thought... "Is the hoopla of outrageous wedding proposals really worth it?"

Singer Seal had an igloo custom made for his bride to be supermodel Heidi Klum.
The Apprentice winner Bill Rancic proposed to E! News anchor Giuliana DePandi on a helicopter ride over Chicago while eating her favorite pizza and drinking a bottle of champagne.
Actor Tom Cruise took actress Katie Holmes to one of the most romantic cities in the world -- Paris. Cruise asked for Holmes' hand in marriage at the Eiffel Tower.

Yes, I am a very romantic girl and love sappy professions of love like any other hot blooded female. But I must pose the question..."Is more time and effort spent on the proposal than on the marriage?" Hollywood relationships are notorious for ending faster than they began and typically the engagement endures longer than the marriage itself.

This year I would admonish anyone thinking about proposing marriage to make sure the institution of marriage is for them. To consider the level of sacrifice required to make a marriage work AND to commit to it. And finally, to know without a doubt that the love being professed is truly for their significant other as they are NOT for what he or she can provide or has the potential to become.

Because, when the ink on the divorce decree dries, no one remembers the Central Park serenades, the mountain top proposals, or the custom made igloos, except the tabloids.

To read the article in its entirety and live vicariously through the rich and famous, check out Celebrity Wedding Proposal Stories.

New Year's Resolution

2008-01-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again...resolution time. Oftentimes people make resolutions to lose weight or get out of debt or start a new business. All of which are great, but are external.

This year focus on the internal you...

Determine to achieve emotional healing from a break-up or divorce.
Re-establish who you are in your new single role.
Make a commitment to re-build family relationships. It is therapeutic!
Commit to replace negative feelings (bitterness, anger, strife) with positive feelings (peace, hope, love).
Terminate toxic relationships. You know the kind that evoke pain at contact or leave you feeling empty and drained.
If all else fails, don't be embarrassed to seek counseling. It works!

Sometimes resolutions are difficult to keep. Make sure they are S-M-A-R-T:

Specific - be very clear about what you hope to achieve.
Measurable - identify ways to measure your progress.
Achievable - don't try to boil the ocean. Even if your resolution is lofty, break it down into smaller, easily attainable chunks.
Relevant - setting resolutions for the sake of setting them is a waste of time. Commit to a resolution that is meaningful to you and makes you a better person.
Time-bound - don't commit to resolutions that will take you five years to achieve. It should be achievable in its totality during 2008.

Involve your close friends and/or relatives by sharing your resolution and asking them to hold you accountable. Make 2008 your year of emotional success!

A Different Type of End

2007-12-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

While you may have experienced either an unexpected or expected break-up or divorce this year, don't allow the event to overshadow your entire year. As 2007 comes to an end, take the time to reflect on both the good and the bad. How can you repeat the good in 2008? How can you avoid the bad in 2008? Even more importantly, what lessons can you learn from the bad? Sometimes the best lessons ever learned come from what we perceive to be the worst experiences.

You have two days to think and reflect in preparation for making your 2008 New Year's resolutions. Make them wisely!

Holiday Cheer?

2007-12-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

They say the holidays are a difficult time of year for those experiencing a recent break-up or divorce. Especially if children are involved, which now requires splitting the holiday - Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or possibly not seeing the child until after the holiday. Even if you don't have children, not seeing your Exes family members that you may have grown close to over the years is tough. The holidays may even feel lonely or depressing.

This year, shake holiday blues by basking in the true joy of the holiday season. Remember that we celebrate Christmas because of the birth of Christ, God's ultimate gift to mankind - humankind, for the feminists. Take time to remember blessings you may have received during the last year. We often overlook good health - mental and physical. The support of family is yet another blessing. Simple things like food, clothing, and shelter are often taken for granted, yet are wonderful blessings - ask the homeless guy that sleeps under the downtown bridge. Remember a special birthday celebration or outing with your children. Don't forget the macaroni necklace your 4 year-old made in daycare for Mother or Father's day that brought tears to your eyes.

If you find your emotional state to be more than you can handle, seek counseling. Your health insurance company, neighborhood church, friends and family members will be able to provide you with a referral.

Very Bad Behavior

2007-12-20T17:49:00.000-08:00

Break-ups, especially divorces are hell! They often bring out the worst in people - I believe that most would agree that during this time in their lives they probably said the most unbelievably hateful things. They may have even participated in embarrassingly bad behavior. Whenever I talk with people who "reminisce" about the bad behavior they displayed, many fail to take responsibility for the behavior and are quick to place blame on their EX. I'm sure the same is true of the EX whose temper tantrum was the source of negative impact.

I once knew of someone who had their credit cards stolen by an EX in retaliation. One EX stalked the new significant other. Another started calling their Exe's family members and spreading lies. Even better, another believed their phone was tapped. And, perhaps the scariest one of all was the Ex-husband who forced his way into his Ex-wife's home and stole her personal belongings. Although, I am torn between that one and the Ex-wife who set her Ex-husband's office on fire.

Why do Exes do these kinds of things? When does the revelation hit that there is life after a break-up or divorce?

Why do we participate in such bad behavior?

Is Marriage A Fairytale?

2007-12-01T13:51:00.000-08:00

Amidst the newspapers spouting off about the increased divorce rate. The tabloids highlighting the most scandalous celebrity divorces. Not to mention the daytime soap operas and prime time dramas that consistently glamorize adulterous relationships, estranged spouses, and abusive husbands and wives. Have you begun to wonder...Is marriage a fairytale?

Does the fear of failure shroud our relationships? Is society creating as self-fulfilling prophecy when it comes to marriage? Do we have any positive images of male/female dating and marriage?

I believe in the power of the bond between a husband and wife. It is a prized and coveted intertwining of lives. It is NOT an anomaly in this nebulous entanglement of relationships that we are party to. Yes, there are bad relationships, just like there are bad restaurants. People are human and sometimes make poor choices and decisions ranging from their selection from the dating pool to how to handle relationship conflict. But can these mistakes be rectified? Absolutely! Divorce is NOT the only answer!

The advice that I would give to couples contemplating marriage as well as those that are newly married would be...

1. Love your significant other like you love yourself. Never treat him in a manner that you yourself would not want to be treated.

2. Commit to the relationship. There are days that you may not like her or even feel like you don't love her. On those days allow the power of your commitment to save your relationship.

3. Never get married and expect him to change. The way he is today is the way he will always be. If you don't like him and you are just dating, why marry him? And if you did marry him, GET OVER IT! You are not perfect either.

What advice would you give?

Anti-adultery Laws

2007-11-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

Historically, adultery has been subject to severe sanctions, including the death penalty, and has been grounds for divorce under fault-based divorce laws. However, in many countries including the United States, many of these laws have been removed from the books or are not enforced. Interestingly enough, I discovered today through inadvertence, that South Korea still maintains and enforces an anti-adultery law, with those convicted facing prison sentences of up to two years.

Despite decades of Western influence, this 50 year old law continues to be up-held by the South Korean Constitutional Court under the grounds of necessity. However, the number of adultery cases filed declined to 8,720 in 2005 from 12,762 in 2000, according to prosecutors' records. Not to mention, more than 80 percent of adultery cases filed from 2000-2005 were dropped without resulting in any formal charges because of the complaint being withdrawn or lack of evidence, according to prosecutors.

"Evidence" means actual proof of adultery as in photographs of sexual intercourse. It does not include photographs of other activities being construed to mean an adulterous relationship. (Click here for additional ramblings on this topic.)

Question for the day...

If adultery laws were enforced would adultery be considered less socially acceptable and thereby decrease the divorce rate? (Comments encouraged.)

David Letterman Writes...

2007-11-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

Considering the screen writers are on strike, I was pleasantly surprised by the monologue on last night's October 12, 2007 re-run of the Late Show with David Letterman.

Letterman's monologue closing jab:

"Tonight is the Clinton's 32nd wedding anniversary. Bill and Hillary. Bill, even after 32 years planned a very romantic evening. Dinner by candlelight, dancing, even champagne. And then he went home to Hillary." (Click here to see it live.)

No one has the perfect, but Bill has provided the media with enough material for jokes until the next millennium! When is enough...enough?

Monica Lewinsky...Paula Jones...Gennifer Flowers...Mrs. Claus...Peg Bundy...Miss Piggy...Heidi Fleiss...

Okay forgive me, I exaggerated. Heidi Fleiss wasn't on the list.

Alcohol Therapy

2007-11-19T11:20:00.001-08:00

Have you ever wondered how many tabs in the bar result from a break-up? Or how many therapy sessions resulted from break-up bar tabs?

Can't you see a table of single women sitting at the bar...

"Jodie...he was such a loser! You are sooo better off without him!"
"I'll drink to that!"

OR

"Juanita (Jordan that is) you made history with your divorce settlement! $168 million is a boat load of money!"
"I'll drink to that!"

OR

"What am I going to do? I am miserable without him"
"Don't worry girl, things can only get better. You need a drink."

OR

"The guy at table 5 thought you could use a little cheering up. He's buying the next round."

Regardless of your situation...the "Bitter Ex-Girlfriend in Recovery" t-shirt expresses the sentiment perfectly!

To see other "Bitter Ex-Girlfriend in Recovery" products or to order click here:
http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly.182174173#

Bathing Decadance

2007-11-16T08:57:00.000-08:00

Having been an EX, three things that effectively cheered me up were:

1. Decadent foods especially desserts - There is absolutely nothing better than drowning your sorrows in a deliciously well prepared meal at your favorite restaurant and topping the meal off with something warm, moist, gooey, and chocolate. I'm salivating just thinking about it.

2. Shopping - I always felt sassy and in-charge after a shopping excursion. There are many things in life that happen outside of my control except one...I always have the ability to look fabulous! Whether new clothes, new shoes, new purse - I made the decisions. I ran the show!

3. Pampering - Just thinking about pampering makes me stretch and purr. A massage...pedicure...facial...I'm about to melt.

When I accidentally stumbled upon Cremoso, I was ecstatic! Why? They sell bath and body products that look like decadent chocolate desserts! Check out the pictures above. Believe it or not, both are actual bath and body products.

Chase away the break-up blues....bathe in chocolate.

Cheaper To Keep Her

2007-11-13T04:52:00.000-08:00

What name is synonymous with five NBA MVP awards, ten All-NBA First Team designations, nine All-Defensive First Team honors, fourteen NBA All-Star Game appearances and three All-Star MVPs, ten scoring titles, three steals titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, and the 1988 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award?

What man holds the NBA record for highest career regular season scoring average with 30.1 points per game, as well as averaging a record 33.4 points per game in the playoffs, earning himself the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness"?

What NBA player won his first NBA championship in 1991 with the Bulls, and followed that achievement with titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat", pursued a career in baseball in 1993, and rejoined the Bulls in 1995 and led them to three additional championships (1996, 1997, and 1998)?

What retired athlete has now made history with one of the 10 nastiest divorces?

MICHAEL JORDAN

Basketball legend Michael Jordan had to pay up when he divorced ex-wife Juanita Jordan to the tune of $168 million, and the estranged couple's six-acre estate in Chicago in the expected settlement.

Divorce is an ugly seven letter word.

What do you think Michael is thinking now?

Career Blogging?

2007-11-09T14:47:00.000-08:00

Blogger $34,000
Journalist $24,000
Reporter $36,000

View'>http://www.indeed.com/salary?cat=professional+blogger&q1=Blogger&l1=&q2=Journalist&l2=&q3=Reporter&l3=&tm=1">View Larger Salary Graph

Achieving financial independence is often a challenge for either one or both parties after a break-up. Especially for married couples or non-married cohabitating couples. The combination of two incomes enables many couples to achieve a lifestyle that otherwise would be impossible to achieve alone. Yikes! The very thought of trying to compensate for the lost income is often overwhelming. How do I make ends meet? What happens if I have an emergency? No, I don't have an emergency fund! Hell, what is an emergency fund?

If you find yourself faced with this challenge you may be in luck. Especially if you own a computer, have access to the Internet, and have the ability to communicate effectively via writing. Why not blog for cash? Make extra income by writing about the things you are passionate about. Check out the salary graph above.

By the way, if you didn’t know, a blog is a web site, where you write about whatever you are passionate about on an ongoing basis. Just like "My Thoughts Exactly." The topic can be personal or professional, but it’s completely up to you. Check out http://www.blogger.com/ or http://www.wordpress.com/ for more information.

Beautiful or Bitter?

2007-11-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

Here is the question for today... You and your Ex have recently ended your relationship. Are you Beautiful or are you Bitter?

Say exactly how you feel with a bumper sticker from My Thoughts Exactly! Check out additional Bitter Ex Bumper Stickers at: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly.184121582

Be prepared to be shocked! Don't be afraid to shock others!

Retail Therapy - Fashion Blogs

2007-11-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

Only for the true fashionista! I was delighted today to stumble upon the following two Blogs...

1. The Purse Blog - features designer purses from all the top designers. Every style imaginable and ladies...sneak peaks at upcoming sales from the stores where we love to shop. Arm candy at its finest!

2. The Shoe Blog also known as Manolo's Shoe Blog. There were shoes, shoes, and more shoes from the top designers we know and love and only wish we could afford. I am in love.

Check out my Favorites on the sidebar menu. The links will take you directly there and I promise you, you will never want to leave.

There is nothing like shopping to get over your Ex! It's therapeutic!

No, I'm Not A Nut!

2007-11-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

Just excited to share with you a new line of apparel from My Thoughts Exactly! If you aren't afraid to wear it, we're not afraid to make it!

Stop pussy-footin' around, as my mother would say, and say exactly what's on your mind!

I dare you!

Bitter Ex Victim

2007-11-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

The gift that just keeps on giving. Or the EX that just keeps on stalking! Sometimes no matter how hard you try...you just can't get rid of them. Male or female, it doesn't matter, relax in these comfy boxer shorts.

What do you do? Put the world on notice!

Check out additional Bitter Ex Victim items at: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3956763

Bitter Ex-Wife In Recovery

2007-11-03T20:33:00.001-07:00

You were married, now you are single... Have a drink! Celebrate and have another drink! Recover and begin again!

For more Bitter Ex-Wife In Recovery Apparel see: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3920979

Bitter Ex-Wife By Choice

2007-11-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

Ex-Wife does not equal the end of life. Be Strong, Be Sexy, Be Bitter...it's your choice! Flaunt your stuff and your diva status in this very sexy tank and thongs. See more at: http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3920925

Bitter Ex-Girlfriends Club

2007-11-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

Who said break-ups had to be endured alone? Ex-girlfriends unite and proudly wear your Bitter Ex-Girlfriends Club gear!

For more information check out:

http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3921007

Bitter Ex-Girlfriend By Choice

2007-11-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

Retain your sanity by finding humor in your new status as the EX.

Check out the Ex-Collection. Perfect for those new to the EX status. The link below will take you to the Bitter Ex-Girlfriend series.

http://www.cafepress.com/thoughtsexactly/3921014